March Book Reviews 15-18

Water Wars - Cameron Stacher
In a time in the future the most precious thing on earth is water.  Countries have come apart and corporations now rule the world.  Fresh water has been dammed at the source and very few people have access to it.  Most people are forced to drink a desalinated water that it is rumored makes people sick.  Most of the food eaten is fake.  Vera and Will, teenage brother and sister live with their sick mother and their father who struggles to keep the family clothed, feed, and most importantly hydrated.  One day on the way to school Vera and Will meet a mysterious, rich stranger Kai who they realize has the ability to find water.  After Kai is kidnapped by pirates Vera and Will go after him, hoping they can save Kai and find enough fresh water for everyone.

It was a fast read, a little bit of romance, nothing dirty, a very current literally topic, but it just didn't really catch me.  For me this book was just OK.


Children of Paradise: A Novel - Fred D'Aguiar 
This novel follows Joyce and her daughter Trina and their lives in a commune in South America.  Their preacher is extremely charismatic and spends a lot of money paying off government officials so that his Eden will stay safe and unmolested by the authorities.  Joyce was an educated woman before joining the commune and is often asked to go to town to be the face who meets with these officials.  Back in the village though they live very simple lives.  Food is strictly regulated as is work and free time.  To the outside world the community may seem very calm but so much darkness is happening.  People are asked to report each other for violations.  Children are beaten for taking food when they are hungry.  Parents are asked not to show to much affection for their children.  The preacher teaches of the avoidance of sin but uses drugs, alcohol, and sex to excess.  When people don't comply to his plans they are punished.  Sometimes by being put into a cage with Adam the communes gorilla.

This actually leads to what I think is one of the most interesting parts of the story, the fact that Adam is actually the narrator of some of the chapters.  It has been a long time since I've read a book where an animal was narrating...this maybe Charlotte's Web, although the difference here is Adam isn't some type of humanized animal, he's just a gorilla trapped in the middle of this crazy commune giving you his thoughts on what he sees.  So I think I was half way through the book before I realized that not only did this story sound just like Jones Town, the community set up by Jim Jones in Guyana, but it actually was the story of Jones Town, at least the imagined story of two of the people living there.

The author is actually from Guyana and spent much of his life wondering about what happened in those last few weeks of Jones Town.  For me though when I realized this I got a pit in my stomach because I know what happened in Jones Town and it was not good.  D'Aquiar throw you for a loop though.  In the weeks leading up to the suicides Joyce becomes dissatisfied with the group and starts considering leaving with a river boat captain.

This story had me guessing until the very end.



The Princess Bride: S. Morgenstern's Classic Tale of True Love and High Adventure  - William Goldman

I adore this story.  I actually picked it out for my book group.  If you are a fan of the cult classic movie you will love it.  Reading it made me want to watch the movie again so much.  Goldman writes this story as if he is abridging a book which is weird and awesome all in one.  Definitely recommend it!  There is romance and sword fights.  Lots of villains are beat and even some turn out to be not so bad.  Seriously funny stuff here.









Clever Girl- Tessa Hadley

A story about a girl who just isn't that clever.  Stella is being raised by a single mother in the 1960's.  Stella is a little bit spoiled but otherwise ok.  Then one day she realizes her mother still enjoys the company of men and she isn't the only person in her mother's life.  When her mother gets remarried has another baby Stella spends a lot of time trying to separate herself from the family.  She gets into drugs, gets pregnant right after high school, gets job working, and then eventually moves to a collective group house where she gets pregnant again.  She is about to leave her lover for the brother of one of her other commune friends when a stalker obsessed with one of the girl's in the house kills her lover.  Eventually Stella goes back to school, has some success, and marries an older lover who was married when she first met him.  Stella is seriously unbearable.  You think a clever girl would not get herself into so many spots.  You also think I'd have felt bad for Stella at least once, but nope I never did.  Even when the seriously nice father of her second child is killed you just don't feel bad for her because she is such a JERK!  I swear if I wasn't trying to get my books read for the year I would have dropped this sucker.



A book I only got half way through and do not recommend to ANYONE!
After Auschwitz: A Love Story
I hated this book!  I pushed through about half way because I feel some stress to stay committed to these books since I have a book goal for the year but I just couldn't take it anymore.  I was hoping for a sweet story and what I  got was the story of a self serving womanizer who married a young survivor of Auschwitz.  After a multitude of affairs kicks her to the curb after twenty years of marriage and then when he is too old to take care of himself anymore moves back in with her.  Maybe there was something heart warming but I just wasn't willing to keep looking for it.

Jury Duty on a Murder Trial

A few months ago I got called in to jury duty.  To say I was stressed about it would be an understatement.  Living away from your family while raising small children stinks.  Sure you have friends who you can sometimes rely on or you can pay babysitters when you can get them but child care when you don't have parents around, especially inconveniently timed child care becomes a real hassle.  I have a friend who is going out of town for ten days and she was telling me that in order to replace her (the stay at home mom) they had to get five people to do various parts of her job.  I believe her.  As a stay at home mom your whole life is devoted to running your kids around.  Everyone else have other things they have to do and trying to fit your kids into their lives is not always easy.  For example, in order to serve on Jury duty I would need to be downtown by 8:00 am.  So I would need someone who could come to my house to get my kids up and out of bed so they would catch their 8:20 bus because I would be leaving at 7:30 and Dr. J is long gone by 6:30.  I would need someone to then drive Peach to preschool.  Then I would need someone who could watch Cheetah for two hours.  Someone then has to pick Peach up and bring her home.  Then someone needs to watch Peach and Cheetah, and be home for the kids when they got off the bus at 4:20 to let them in, start dinner, and get them started on homework and then stay until Dr. J finally pulled in hopefully by seven.  Friends who have other kids and other obligations can't just be running around doing all your chores.  Babysitters either have day jobs or school or and the ones that are in school usually don't drive making them not the ideal choice.  Dr. J getting off work so I could do jury duty was not an option.  Only family do you feel comfortable inconveniencing to this degree and family is something I'm seriously lacking here.  I tried to figure out a schedule of friends that could do various parts of my job while they were doing their own thing but I just could not get it figured out.  Finally I called the jury office in sort of a panic.  "OH," they tell me, "We can schedule it anytime within the year."  And so that is how I ended up with jury duty during spring break, also known as the only time in four months my husband had off.  Originally I was hoping to go home and see my sister bless her baby or do a short trip with the kids, but civic duty called and there was no other time in the next year I could do it with Dr. J's help.

Monday I had to go in for my first day.  I was positive I wouldn't get called in.  I pointed out on my form that my brother in law had been in jail as well as my step father.  I mentioned my uncle that was a corrections office.  I actually put on the back, "I don't want to be here.  My kids are home on spring break.  This probably doesn't make me impartial, it just exacerbates the general bad attitude I already harbor."  I sat in a room with a bunch of other potential jurors  They split us into two groups of fifty and walked us over to a courthouse.  The bailiff called off fourteen names.  "Please go sit in the juror seats," she instructed.  I got a numb feeling when I entered the room.  Sitting right across from us was a baby faced young man in a button down shirt and tie.  "We are hear to pick a jury for a murder case," the judge instructed us.  If you are chosen you will be here for the next three days.  If not we need you to report back to the jury pool until all the juries are filled for the day.  Both lawyers walked back and forth asking us questions.  At one point one of the attorney's said.  "I notice that you have a family member who was a victim of a crime.  Do you think that will affect your ability to be impartial?"  "Well I don't think so," I say, "but obviously is there any way really for me to know that for sure?"  They asked us a few more questions and then went back to their tables to write down their picks and their strikes.  The bailiff took the papers up to the judge and then she announced, "If I read your name please go back to the jury room.  If not please report back to the jury pool."  And like that I found myself as a juror on a murder case.

It was, to be honest, one of the worst experiences of my life.  At times it was tedious and boring.  I submit for example watching a fingerprint expert look over 57 cards of evidence to tell us they were all her work and had not been altered, to hear that she had worked on this case exclusively for six months, and then to realize the fingerprints didn't mean a single thing to the case.  At some points it was informative.  When the ballistics expert explained how a bullet works, I actually learned something new.  It was taxing.  For hours each day I took meticulous notes while listening to testimony and in the end my checks hurt with effort of holding my face so long in a blank look.  It was annoying being trapped in a jury room during breaks and meals with one of the most obnoxious, inappropriate people I've ever met in my entire life.  During times when I feared I would lose it and throttle her there was an older gentleman that would give me a little wink and a turn of his head and he always calmed me down but she was extremely grating.  After the trial one of the other jurors caught up to me on the street and asked if I'd have wanted this young lady on a jury deciding my fate.  The answer was a resounding no, but in the end it didn't mater because we came up with a unanimous vote.  It was heart wrenching to be faced down each day by both the victim and the defendant's families, both in states of agony.  It was frustrating to watch the almost limitless resources of the state in comparison to the poor showing of the defense and it was frustrating to be forced to swallow what to me just felt like overcharging.  Murder was not enough but we also had to decide on a robbery charge and a felony murder charge, both of which I never felt good about but was forced to concede to my other jurors because it was just an inkling of doubt not enough to be classified as reasonable doubt.  It was alienating to be placed with this burden and to not be able to discuss the case or the possible outcomes or my decisions with my husband, the sounding board I usually utilize when making any big life decisions.  There was security video of the incident and it was horrifying to be forced to repeatedly watch the death of a young man and the undoing of the lives of three more young men.  It was misery to see the victims brother break down in the witness box and to walk out minutes later, running in to him still upset in the hallway and to not be able to say anything.  It was a little fearful.  We were deciding the fate of a young man who had killed someone with a gun and everyday we had to walk right past his family and friends including after we delivered our verdict.  

In the end we were forced to give guilty pleas on all three counts.  At least in talk the rest of the jurors didn't seemed to be too bothered by it.  Multiple jurors said, "You make bad choices and you have to suffer the consequences."  But inside my heart hurt with those guilty convictions.  Over a 1/2 ounce of weed a group of people got into an altercation.  One lost his life to death.  If the two other juries find the way we did and it's hard to imagine they won't because there is a video of the act, three more will lose their whole lives to prison.  To be honest if those were my options I would rather be dead.  There is a logical part of my brain that knows those young men made wrong decisions that led them to where they are now but there is another part that says to me that some people are raised in an environment that makes bad choices a lot more likely and that sending a barely twenty year old to jail for the rest of his entire life doesn't just say that we want to punish you but it also says that there is nothing of value that you can possible have.  How is that possible?  We aren't talking about someone who kidnapped and raped small children, or tortured a multitude of people.  We aren't talking about a Charles Manson or a Ted Bundy, someone completely full of evil.  We are talking about someone who made some wrong choices, many of which were driven by being a part of our society that doesn't follow the same rules the rest of us do, who got themselves in an altercation and now has no hope, no chance, no future ever.  He will never leave prison again.  He will never not be surrounded by violence and coldness and misery.  He is twenty years old.  It could be the next twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, sixty years we are talking about.  I watched his teenage sister break down with the verdict and start sucking her thumb.  I was forced to walk past his wailing mother as I left the court house.  I know it wasn't my fault, and I know that there are some people that feel like that was the fate he deserved, obviously the prosecutors, but to be part of that judgement damaged something deep inside me.  

I will never sit on a jury again.  I will absolutely refuse.  If ever asked again I will tell the lawyer about this case and then I will flatly refuse to ever be asked to bear the burden of judging anyone again.  I will tell them feel free to put me on a jury if you want but I will hang it because I do not ever want to feel this darkness again.  I remember hearing a story after the 10 Amish girls were shot by the milk man who then killed himself, five who died about how their parents forgave him and ministered to his family.  It put me back a little.  How could they do that, I thought.  He was a murderer.  He took something so precious from them.  I now realize that the burden of being asked to hold that hate and that judgement is too much.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not some anarchist who thinks that people should never be punished for crimes or be separated out from the rest of the population if they pose a danger.  I don't care to live in a world of complete chaos.  But the idea of throwing someone away for the rest of their lives, of putting them in a prison system that to be honest I consider inhumane, it is painful to me.  We are a prison nation.  We have a judicial system that in my opinion is barely functional.  I can't see an alternative at this point but to hold it up as some model of greatness would be a mistake, and to be honest, I never want to be part of it again.

A Beautiful Mess

 As the weather has warmed up, the kids are spending more and more time outside.  I love it because they are running and being creative and our TV is on a heck of a lot less.  A favorite activity for them is writing on our patio with a huge bucket of chalk I bought that was on clearance at the end of last summer.  They also really enjoy filling a watering can and watering all our dirt.  Yesterday I went out and the patio was a disaster.  There was paint and chalk puddles everywhere and almost all the chalk had been ground down and was covered in splashes.  I was feeling sort of annoyed with the kids thinking that they'd really "wasted" all this good chalk and then I took a closer look and realized that what they'd been doing was making paint.  They had ground up the chalk, poured in water, and then when they had a nice thick paint they had made colorful hand and foot prints all over the patio.  I don't know what it was but seeing their colorful little hand prints touched something deep inside me.  I guess they reminded me of cave paintings like these in Spain which scientist think are over 40,000 years old.  Just like those ancient hunters my children were marking they were here, that they existed.  Our mops theme for this year has been "A Beautiful Mess" and every time I hear it I just groan inwardly because I always think, "Who honestly thinks there is anything beautiful about a mess?  I mean really people, who?"  Yesterday I was folding up the last bits of my laundry and while I was glad to finally have the stack put away the realization that today was laundry day was extremely demoralizing.  Messes are messes.  They often involve time consuming, monotonous work that falls on me to take care of and they are rarely gone for long.  That is how I feel about messes right now in this raising young children part of my life, but yesterday I saw the beauty in the mess.  It was hidden among puddles, ground up chalk, and a dirty kitchen floor, but it was there.  It is the existence of my children.  Sometimes demanding and dirty but also colorful and full of vitality and life.  Long after I leave this world they will carry me on, generation after generation, putting out their hands to prove their existence.  

Weight Loss Challenge - 27lbs Lighter, $140 Richer

Sometime before the holidays my friend Stephanie (who has a degree in exercise science, runs marathons, last year completed a triathlon, and "for fun" just started doing body building competitions) sent out an e-mail telling a bunch of us she was going to do a clean eating challenge.  The participants would throw $30 each in a pot, work out and eat according to a plan that could gain you points and at the end of the eight weeks the one who lost the highest percentage of body weight would win 80% of the pot and the person with the highest amount of points would win 20%.  I wanted to join but I'd just found out I was pregnant so I barely loosely followed.  Basically I did three weeks of paleo and wanted to go nuts.  I was super stressed out.  Being pregnant with a fifth child due after you are suppose to have left for a trip to Africa is not relaxing.  Then we lost the pregnancy and I was depressed eating.  Then it was just the holidays.  My whole life I've been chubby.  Sometimes I try really hard to keep my weight under control, sometimes I sort of just throw up my hands.  This winter I threw up my hands.  With all the stress and trauma going on we ate out more than we should.  With the holidays we had treats all over.  With the month long miscarriage, Christmas break, and all the illness in our house I didn't go to the gym for months.  As that original challenge was coming to an end I was heading to the beginning...the beginning of weighing the most I've ever weighed in my whole life!  I mean seriously, more than I'd ever weighed, even when nine months pregnant.  I couldn't fit into a single pair of jeans I owned.  I pretty much lived in sweat pants and way too tight clothing.  I couldn't button my pea coat or zip up my winter coat.  I couldn't get my leather dress boats zipped up.  It was BAD NEWS!

When Stephanie said she was starting another challenge I jumped in full force.  From day one weekly point sheets were like my religion.  If Stephanie said drink 86 ounces of water, I did.  If she said drop all sugar, I did.  If she said eat more veggies, I did.  Whatever that sheet said, I did.  I also recommitted to going to the gym, and the two weeks when Cheetah was sick and I couldn't go I did exercise at home.  It has been ten weeks and the results are in.  I didn't win the challenge.  I was just three pounds off from that, but I did win the points challenge.  Today Stephanie brought me the points money.  I'm now $140 dollars richer and 27 lbs lighter.  I also saved myself some money by being able to fit into everything in my closet again (much of it even fitting loose).  I still would like to lose 30 more lbs or so but right now I'm  happy with my progress and am planning on sticking with the plan for as long as it takes.

 Lots of Water
Feeling hungry, get a drink of water.  Stephanie asked us to drink a lot of water.  Lots and lots.  No soda (even diet), no alcohol, no crystal light, no juice.  The sweet stuff and alcohol was easy for me to avoid.  We almost never drink soda and we don't drink alcohol.  The extra water was a little harder.  We started out at 64oz a day.  We ended at 86.  I feel like I always had a water bottle with me.  Some of it was easy.  I would drink 24oz of water during my workouts and easily another 8oz after.  Some of it was a little harder, but I tried to sneak sips in all day and also drink a big glass before I'd eat.  I also tried to always know where a bathroom was because I was peeing ALL THE TIME!

Don't Eat Late

We got points for either not eating after seven or stopping eating 3 hours before bed.  There were times when this was rough for me.  Name that last time you went to a book group or a ladies night out where they didn't serve something but after awhile I just got used to avoiding the snack table all together.  I spent a lot more time talking since I wasn't doing any munching.  There were a few things I just skipped because I knew the temptation to eat would just be too hard (a couple birthday parties).  I also realized that at home I pretty much never ate anything after dinner that was healthy.  My favorite late night snack, sugary cereal.  I also realize that I would survive if I didn't eat anytime or if I had to go to bed hungry.  Most nights after the kids went to bed I'd just get a drink of water and curl up in bed with a book.  It was a lot easier to not think about eating when I stayed away from the kitchen downstairs.  The only negative here...a certain husband sometimes would still get his late night cereal snack.  There were times when the smell coming off that bowl almost drove me to jump over the couch and attack him.  Did you realize cereal smelled so strong?  Neither did I.  Just one more reason to stay away from the kitchen after dinner.

No Added Sugar
Stephanie gave us a cheat day so if you wanted to eat something sweet one day a week you could without taking a hit in points but every other day she asked you not to eat anything made with sugar, honey, maple syrup, fake sugars, corn syrup, even dates (there went my Larabars).  Cutting out sugar cut so many foods.  I really had not realized how many products had sugar in them.  Check out your bottle of soy sauce, your salsa, every cereal product you have, your bread, most canned goods.  I couldn't believe how many things had sugar in them.  I learned to make Paleo ketchup in my crock-pot here.  I learned how to make homemade Paleo mayo here.  Just so you know I had zero luck making it by hand.  Buy or barrow and immersion blender!  I started making my own salsa every week.  It was hard to give up sugar but I noticed that while I still love sugar (I really enjoyed my shared banana split victory sundae), avoiding most of it helps me not crave it as much.  I also drank a smoothie almost every morning to help hit that sweet craving.  I alternated between a green smoothie and a chocolate almond smoothie.  The chocolate almond smoothie really hit the spot for me, especially after I'd gone a few weeks without sugar.

Chocolate Almond Smoothie
1 ripe frozen banana (I also would just use a banana and ice if I didn't have a frozen one, but I liked the consistency better when I didn't have to use ice).
1 cup non sweetened almond milk
1 tablespoon natural peanut butter (You can make your own or get it at the store.  I like the brand at Costco.  It is just peanuts and salt and it taste delicious!)
1 teaspoon cocoa powder

Blend.  This was my "Paleo Shakeology" drink.  I drank one of these shakes almost every morning before I worked out and it always gave me the energy I needed.  Plus it cost a heck of a lot less than Shakeology.  If I felt like I needed a little extra kick I'd throw a tablespoon of canned coconut milk it.  That definitely kept me full!

Exercise!
The only way to lose weight is to use more calories than you bring in.  One way is to cut calories.  One way is to add activity.  The best way is to do both.  We got points for exercising at least an hour five days a week.  This is when my Y membership really came in handy.  I'd drop Peach off at preschool, walk Cheetah to child watch and have two hours to sweet it out.  I spent an hours each day doing cardio, trading off between the bike, the elliptical, the stair master, and the rowing machine.  I liked to shake it up so that my body didn't get too content.  It was also a great time to catch up on my reading.  Seriously I probably got through ten books in those ten weeks at the gym alone.  After I'd been sweating for an hour I'd switch over to weights.  Weights are a great way to build muscle, increasing metabolism.  I'd trade off between arms and legs, keeping track of how much weight I was lifting each day so I could slowly increase my numbers.

A couple of weeks in the challenge my kids were sick so I couldn't go to the gym.  On those days we satisfied ourselves with walks and bike rides in the neighborhood, and exercise videos that I found on youtube.  We did aerobics, indoor walking videos, zumba, and kickboxing.  I say WE because the girls were always with me and in one super unfortunate event I actually threw Cheetah across the room when she walked into my hand while I was doing a zumba move.  Otherwise they were pretty good and they always enjoyed throwing themselves on my back for a little extra weight when doing push ups. I also have some weights at home that I could use along with my exercise ball in place of a bench.  It wasn't as effective but it was better than nothing.  The funny thing about the kickboxing is the last couple of weeks I started to do a little ten minute kick boxing routine every night before I went to bed, just long enough to heat my body up but before I started sweating.  It was embarrassing, especially if Dr. J was watching me but I figured it couldn't hurt to kick up my metabolism right before I went to bed.

Accountability
The great thing about being in the group is we got credit for talking and supporting each other each day.  We also got points for keeping a food diary.  To make it easier on me and Stephanie I started using the myfitnesspal app my sister had told me to download a year before. Because it was on my phone I could easily add my food and exercise right as it was happening.  It allowed me to add friends for support and let Stephanie see my diary so she could look over my food journal.  It also gave me a good idea of where I should be trying to hit calorie wise and when I lost weight it readjusted my allowed calories.  I seriously love this app and I think one of the greatest parts of this challenge is that after ten weeks it is like second nature to me to use it daily.

The Food Part
Stephanie eats Paleo so a lot of our food points came from trying out pieces of the Paleo diet.  For almost the entire challenge we didn't eat gluten and for the last couple weeks of the challenge we didn't eat any grains at all.  It was a hard adjustment for me because before those weeks I was really enjoying an almost daily snack of air popped popcorn but I think coming out I'm going to continue to limit my grain consumption.  I'm not going to say completely goodbye to grains but I do know that for me that when I planned meals really high in vegetables, fruits, legumes, and lean meats I could hit my calorie goals with little thought, feeling full.  Wheat makes that hard for me to do.  I just eat and eat and eat and never feel full.  So I think from here on out I'll just be careful to not let grains be too big a part of my meal.  Honestly by cutting cereal I was able to cut about 80% of my grain consumption :)  Most of my other favorite grain meals could either be eaten as a salad or on some type of vegetable.  Here are some of my favorite grain free meals that I ate all the time during the challenge.

• Spaghetti squash with meat sauce.  They aren't wheat noodles but it still tastes pretty good. 
• Tuna fish salad on cut in half sweet peppers
• Taco Soup
• Taco Salad
• Chicken soup with carrots, celery, and potatoes
• Chicken Lettuce Wraps
• Beef Roast
• Steak and baked potatoes
• Salmon
• Roasted Chicken
• Lettuce Tacos
• Chicken Salad on Lettuce wraps
• Deconstructed Hamburger-This was pretty much my favorite meal ever.  I'd chop up 3 cups of lettuce, throw in some cucumbers and chopped or sliced tomatoes, cover the salad in a tablespoon of Paleo mayo, ketchup and mustard and then toss a warm hamburger or cheeseburger on top.  Dr. J gave me a hard time saying it looked weird but I'm telling you it was delicious.  Just think how much you enjoy a big juicy hamburger.  Getting rid of that bun doesn't make a whole lot of difference.  
• Sweet Potato fries with pretty much anything.
• Lots of black beans.   
• A sweet potato (baked in the microwave) with two easy over eggs on top.  It was warm and delicious and I loved it.
• Humus and veggies
• Potato bar

I used a lot of unsweetened almond milk in place of cows milk but I still ate cheese most weeks although I kept it in moderation and I ate unsweetened yogurt occasionally with bananas and blueberries in it.  Super yum!  As far as oils were concerned I stuck to olive, coconut, avocado, and butter but I tried not to be too heavy handed. I would never go completely Paleo because I could never say goodbye to legumes or grains and sugar completely but I have definitely seen the light on limiting my grains and sugar.  Just easier to stay full when they don't make up most of your calories.  This is totally a true story but one day I made four pieces of cinnamon sugar toast and was totally still hungry.  That is just how I roll.  It is easier now for me to say, just grab a handful of nuts and stay full for longer.  As part of the challenge we had to eat 3 fresh veggie servings a day (1 cup each) and 2 fruit (1/2 cup).  I've always been good about eating my fruits and veggies but this just kept me on track.

We also got points for menu planning and eliminating all processed foods (anything with more than five ingredients on the label).  My mom taught me how to make pretty much everything from scratch but I think it was good for me to be grounded again in staying more connected with my food.  Sometimes I get swept up in convenience.  It was a good reminder for me to make a little more effort on the front end before food actually passes into my mouth.  I also started carrying snacks with me everywhere.  A little bag of nuts here, an apple there.  It helped when I was hungry and running around if I had a snack from home already prepared to keep me from getting sucked into a fast food line.  If I was going somewhere I knew I wouldn't be able to eat without breaking the rules I would eat ahead of time or actually pack my meal in.  During the challenge I had two mom's nights out dinners and a couple of restaurant dinners with my in-laws who were in town.  I would look for a steak or chicken dish without a sauce or a salad with the dressing on the side.  It was hard not to eat the bread, or try a piece of the appetizer, or desert, but every Sunday at weigh in I'd be grateful for that choice.

Finally my last two piece of advice from the challenge, one, hide the scale and only bring it out once a week.  I actually had to have Dr. J hide it from me.  I'd get so obsessed with each rise and fall I was driving myself and everyone in the house crazy.  Only weighing in once a week made me a lot happier.  Two, ladies don't diet with guys.  No seriously!  It is demoralizing.  After seven weeks I was so excited about losing 20lbs.  Then I was talking to my good friend and she told me her husband had lost 20lbs in two weeks by cutting his calories to 1,300 and running five miles a day.  Haha!!!  I wanted to scratch his eyes out.  Well not quite, but almost.  Girls we just don't lose weight as quickly.  Guys have more muscle, faster metabolism and don't seem to be saddled with the hormones that try to hold onto weight so strongly.  In the words of my friend Amanda, "My husband just has to say weight loss and he will lose three pounds that day."  It is nice to have your hubby on board as far as food and exercise goes, but when it comes to competition and support other ladies (in my opinion) are the way to go.  At the end of our challenge I was edged out from being the second highest percentage weight loss by .2% to third by a guy who had half the points me and the winner had.  Basically he had not been participating and then in the last three weeks really threw down.  Oh man was I so glad then that Kelly had won.  It would have just killed me to lose to a guy in that way!  So that's the story of how I lost 27lbs and net myself 140 dollars.  Now to see if I can budge any more of this stubborn weight!

Pulling Teeth - Our Tooth Fairy Is A Bum

As an extended breast feeder I've always thought it was a blessing that none of my kids got any teeth before they turned a year old.  A blessing for me that is, when my two oldest went to kindergarten and neither of them lost a tooth and got to be put on the lost tooth chart they were both pretty upset about it.  Luckily by first grade they finally started to make some progress.  I say luckily because most of my sister's teeth never got loose and she'd have to go to the dentist to have them pulled when the new ones would grow in behind.  Yikes!  But these kids get loose teeth.  Last week one of Gigi's top front teeth started to get really wiggly.  Now there are two schools of thought in this house.  My husband was the kid who the second a tooth was loose would start wiggling that thing as hard as he could and then have a parent yank it out.  I was the complete opposite.  I would wait forever, until the tooth was barely hanging on by a thread, the rest of the gum had completely healed, every bite was painful as that sharp end would poke back up into the gum and then, maybe then I would finally twist it out.  I think I let my parents pull just one tooth and was like, "NEVER AGAIN!"  So far the kids fall somewhere in the middle.  They've let teeth be pulled although they aren't huge fans of it, so usually they just eat lots of apples and wiggle it out themselves, but in a much timelier manner than I ever did.  This tooth though was getting pretty loose and Gigi seemed a little reluctant to touch it.  Finally I said to her, "Hey how about you let dad look at it, and if we get it out you'll get that dollar even sooner."  One thing my kids are obsessed with is hording money, so she reluctantly agreed.  Dad got some dental floss, made a little loop and then tried to flip it out by tightening it by pulling on the ends.  The first time, it slipped off.  I said, "Just let him try one more time and then if you don't want it he'll stop."  Slipped off again.  The third time as she started to get a little wiggly about it and said, "You promised."  I totally threw Dr. J under the bus and said, "you promised just one more time."  Even though it was obviously me.  Somehow he convinced her to do it and that fourth time was a charm, the tooth went flying.  And then she starts bleeding and crying.  I felt a little bad about that, but a minute later she was all smiles so I guess it was ok.   She told me later she wanted to keep the tooth. I was like, "Sure" because here is the honest truth, what do I need with a whole bunch of baby teeth.  Then I completely forgot to put the money under her pillow.  And here is our family secret: Our Tooth Fairy is a total bum.  For whatever reason I just cannot for the life of me remember to sneak in after the kids are asleep and put the money under their pillow.  So in the morning I went in and said, "Hey have you checked under your pillow?  I think there might be something under there," and then I shoved the money under.  I'm not entirely sure why we keep up this facade.  Before Christmas I forgot so many days in a row I finally just handed the dollar over and said sorry.  Why don't I just do every transition like this?  I mean after all we are the family who does not hype up pretend home invader holiday friends.  We don't do Santa although 3/4 of our kids still totally believe in Santa.  They get presents on Christmas and they never think to distinguish who they come from.  We do Easter baskets on Saturday but we never say they are from the Easter bunny and if they ask we say they are from us.  We give small threats at Valentine's Day and on St. Patrick's Day but the kids also totally know they are from us.  So in some ways I think, wouldn't it just be easier to say, look you are going to lose 20 teeth, here is a 20 dollar bill.  Just chuck those things in the garbage when you are done, or let them pick out their Christmas or Easter gifts or set up their own holiday treats, but then I think there is just something sort of fun about the surprise of it all and so maybe that is why we still put the money under the pillow....at least when we remember to.  Oh and just on a side note on this video, I love that Peach was cheering Gigi on so much because as soon as the whole thing was done she said, "I am NEVER GOING TO LET YOU PULL A SINGLE ONE OF MY TEETH!"

That Creepy Guy At the Gym

I have a lot of gym rules for myself.  My own music is a must, the stuff they play there is blah!  Clean off your equipment after you use it, no one wants to be covered in your sweat.  Bring lots of water.  Wear something comfortable that can totally fall into the category of things that might not normally be considered kosher but don't go all nuts with shorts that are so short they show your underwear or even worse that you aren't wearing underwear.  Wear a top, I mean it can be a tank top (although to be honest with these arms I've avoided those for years) but it should actually look like a top.  If it is just looks like a bra or a too tight swimsuit...gross.  Speaking of bras wear a good exercise bra because one long roll of boob is a whole lot better than boobs flying into your face and then down to your belly button.  Be polite to people but not intrusive, nodding acquaintances are fine but there is no reason to become besties with some random person of the opposite sex you meet at the gym.  Try not to be too jealous or too judgmental (although you ladies who I saw eating Big Macs, large fries, and gigantic cokes after your half hour on the elliptical, you were pushing me on that one.  I mean at least just go with the regular sized fries).  Don't talk too loud.  Make sure your music isn't so high other people can hear it.  Try not to flash anyone.  Try not to fling sweat on anyone.  Don't take your kids to child watch if they are sick.  When reading a funny book it is ok to smile like an idiot but try and keep the laughing uncontrollably to a minimum.  Be inclusive, ie don't join a class and then turn it into out your own dental Mormon school clique from high school hell where you hold court and ostracize all the other girls who were originally in the class while you spend the whole classes complaining to everyone about how uncomfortable you are three months pregnant (hello you have two other kids and choose to get pregnant so it's not like this is some type of surprise, we are not friends, I just went through a miscarriage which I'm having the decency not to mention in class but is making me really sensitive, now shut up).  That non judgmental thing is a hard one for me I'm sure you can see. If you are having a gassy day do everyone else a favor and run outside regardless of how cold it is.  You get the idea right...I believe in gym etiquette.  I've made some great friends at the gym but for the most part I see it as a place to go, work out for a few hours without bothering anyone, and then go home.  I try not to disturb anyone else and I don't really want anyone else bothering me, which is why last Friday was so annoying.

I'd done my normal workout and I happened to be a row behind one of my good friends who is very near popping.  She is pregnant although she is lovely and never complains about anything and is friendly to everyone so she is not the before mentioned pregnant woman.  That being said I happen to know that last Wednesday even though she still has a month to go she was already dilated to a four, 80% effaced, and a -1, so seeing her work so hard on the treadmill in front of me, I'm not going to lie, was making me a little anxious.  Sure her other two daughters were born a little premature and sure they were totally fine but my daughter was born a preemie and it was a mess, and my friend's baby was born four weeks less premature than Cheetah and it was a mess, and I've known two people who had babies die this year, and our (me and beautiful pregnant mama) other friend's son was just born totally full term and he is still in the hospital because of complications.  So I get a little anxious about pregnancies now...and I'm getting a little anxious about her working out so hard, but I'm a reasonable person and I recognize that she is a very fit adult who is capable of making her own decisions and capable of taking responsibility for those choices so I just try and chill out.  But as I'm going to walk out of the gym I run into her and we are just having a little conversation about this clean eating challenge I'm in and our daughters who are best friends and her pregnancy and this weird guy comes up to us.  He's older (50-60's) with a buzz cut and a huge diamond earring in his ear.   Maybe he knows her, I doubt it, but he certainly doesn't know me.  He puts his arm on her shoulder which in my rules of proper gym etiquette is a definite no-no.  Stranger, sweat, opposite sex, a little personal space invasion and turns to me and says, "Isn't she just beautiful, I mean she's just glowing."  At this point I'm totally still on board with him and I'm nodding and then he says, "She's just such an inspiration to everyone else here (big pause as he turns and seriously looks me up and down) like you and me."  And now I'm stuck in this really awkward moment, because one, I've just spent the morning thinking she really needs to cool her jets for a bit so inspiration is not high on my list of descriptive words at the moment, and two, maybe this isn't how he meant it but that whole statement came off backhandedly toward me.  Thanks guy I'm super aware of the fact that I'm overweight but I can tell you that I've been working out pretty consistently for the last nine years and also unlike before mentioned ladies with their post workout big macs, I will be eating an apple and a handful of nuts after this workout with a 24 ounce drink of water which I will carefully document in My Fitness Pal to guarantee that every day I only eat between 1200-1400 calories.  This is my life and yes sir I do hate my body.  Not because it is on the chubs size, I finally came to grips with that the first time my husband saw me naked in the light and did not turn away in disgust, but I hate my body because I actually have to work to be this chubby and it doesn't respond to the normal bounds other people put on theirs.  I mean really.  A few weeks ago someone who I dearly love who for the most part has always been really laid back about my weight and pretty much everyone else's weight, under what I can only imagine was the seriously bad influence of her future husband who I'm pretty sure is a jerk deep down, went off on how fat some of our mutual friends have gotten.  The problem is I've known these people almost my whole life and they like me have genes that so quickly go to heavy but have to work so hard to slim down.  I mean I've seen them stay on the chubby side while running marathons.  HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE!  Meanwhile I happen to know this friend maybe on exercises once a week, spends a lot of time laying on the couch, and puts butter on everything.  Sometimes you are just lucky and have good genetics.  Sometimes you are not lucky.  Sometimes your genes say you have to work out and watch what you eat and at your very best when you feel like you are starving to death you will still always carry a good thirty extra pounds.  So sir I hope you don't mind too much that I rolled my eyes at you before I smiled and winked at my friend, but even if you did, I don't plan on ever talking to you again so please do me a solid and don't ever talk to me again either.

Congratulations to Scott and Aaron

I don't know if you've heard about this story in Utah right now, but a federal judge struck down Utah's Amendment 3 which said that marriage was only legal between a man and a woman.  The state is currently rushing to have a stay put on the ruling before they can appeal in a higher court, but in the mean time same sex couples in the state have been flooding county offices to get licenses and to get married.  One of the more famous people has been Jim Dabakis, a Utah state senator, and his partner Stephen Justensen who were actually married by the Salt Lake Mayor but the marriage more personal to me was the one of my college friend Scott to his long time partner Aaron.  I've been following their saga via facebook texts.  On Friday they left work early and ran to the country office only to not make the cut because the line was so long.  On Saturday they were going to try to get in at Weber County but the office suddenly announced it would not be performing marriages.  They knew there was a very short window of opportunity to get married this morning before the state tried to push the stay through and Scott spent much of Sunday trying not to worry, but to hedge their bets they got in line at 3 am my time...1 am theirs.  At 5:49 their time they posted pictures of themselves freezing outside.  At 6 am they were finally inside.  At 9:50 am their time we got the post that they were now married.  I am overjoyed for them.  We are talking about a couple that celebrated their 8th anniversary just two months ago.  What a marvelous Christmas gift this was for them, as well as the many other couples who were able to join them this day.  I hope people don't think that this is some kind of political stunt.  We are talking about a couple who have been together, loving each other, taking care of one another for almost a decade.  These are not people who get married just to try and score political points. These are people who get married to make a personal point.  When I married Dr. J in that same state, I was a dingbat 21 year old who had never lived on her own marrying a guy she'd known 6 months.  Sometimes I find it shocking that all it took was a piece of paper and $50 and someone decided that we were qualified to tie the knot.  We were just two naive kids, but somehow we've managed to make a pretty nice life for ourselves.  I have no doubt these two will do nothing less and probably much more!  Congrats to Scott and Aaron, may your life continue to be full of happiness and great blessings!!  If you want to know more, you can actually see them waiting in line along with lots of other happy couples on the online Deseret News story here.  You can also find some really wonderful pictures here, taken by Pamela Berry.

picture by Pamela Berry

Transmormon Documentary

My brother-in-law, Travis Low, makes documentaries with his besties and movie making partners, Torben and Marissa Bernhard. Last year they released the documentary Boomtown that won several awards which was super exciting.  This year they just released this movie Transmormon.  It gives you a brief look into the life of Eri, formerly Ed, and her family as they come to the realization that she is transgendered, as she decides to have a sex change, and as she tries to find a place for herself within the Mormon church.  I watched it last night and was really impressed.  It is a super well done and gives you a touching glimpse into something rarely talked about within our culture.  Well done Bernhard-Low team!!!

You can find the video here.  http://videowest.kuer.org/transmormon/

Some feelings on modesty

It felt like this summer should have been called the summer of the modesty post.  It started with a video of a women who it turns out was selling "modest" bathing suits, then a response to her, then a response to that, then another response, and so on.  It seemed like for weeks all my friends were posting new post they'd stumbled across.  It was somewhere reading maybe the fifth one of these where the poster posted a picture of an outfit she was wearing and said something to the affect of "Look how attractive I look dressed in this modest outfit" that I threw my hands up in despair.  Modesty is a big deal in my church.  Women and men once endowed (after they have gone to the temple) are expected to wear garments which cover their shoulders and go down to their knees.  When you go to our Church school you expected to dress as if you had already been endowed.  We talk to our youth about dressing modestly and we have even started to talk to our children about it.  From The Friend, our magazine that we publish for our children under 12, here is a modestly checklist.

"When you get dressed to go to school, church, or just be with your friends, look over this checklist to make sure your appearance reflects what you believe. Ask yourself, “If I were with Jesus Christ, would I feel comfortable with my appearance?”

• • My shoulders are covered.
• • My shirt covers my stomach.
• • My shorts or skirt go to my knees.
• • My shirt is not low-cut.
• • My clothes are not tight.
• • I don’t look sloppy.
• • My hair is combed.
• • My clothes are not saggy, torn, or holey to fit in with a style.
• • Labels or words on my clothes are respectful, not rude or offensive.

Tip: Sometimes you might think your clothes are modest—until you start moving around. To make sure you will still be modest if you bend over or run around, sing the Primary song, “Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes” and do the actions while you sing. If you can still be modest with all that movement, you’re ready to go"

Then they had this poster you could print off to hang in your room.  Notice the under dress leggings and dress top.  Notice the carpi pants.  Notice even the dogs are not showing cleavage.  The last few years it has felt like more and more articles on modesty are being directed toward my children and even lessons in sharing time are being taught about it.  Within my community there is also a huge market for "modest" clothing.  Lots of Mormon women wear shirts under or cardigans over their sleeveless dresses or shirts.  Capris in the summer are a Mormon girl's best friend.  Leggings under "too short" dresses or skirts have become all the rage.  When I was working in Young Women's (teaching the 12-18 year old girls in my church) we talked about modesty a lot.  In fact it went beyond just lessons or for the Strength of Youth, but actually one of our leaders felt the need to tell our girls if she felt their clothing wasn't modest enough.  In fact sometimes she would tell me if she felt my clothing wasn't modest enough.  Our Stake had also decided to take a stand on our young women's modesty.  For our youth conferences they have decided to ban leggings, even under dresses.  Then with girls camp last summer they sent out a memo that if a girl wore a swimsuit that was a two piece she would have to wear a t-shirt over it, this included tankinis.  I actually said out loud at the moment they read the memo, "Um, are they kidding."  Because first off we are talking about a place that is for girls where the only men there are leaders who are suppose to be there for safety, and I don't see why they'd have to hang out by the pool.  Secondly there wasn't a women leader in that room who doesn't wear a two piece.  In fact almost all the Mormon women I know chose to wear tankinis.  Personally I chose to wear one because the fit is better and my tankini top goes lower and covers more of my tummy and buns then any one piece bathing suit I've ever owned has.  The results, for the first time in my life I haven't felt like I needed to wear a shirt over the bathing suit I was wearing.  Oh the irony.

Personally there is a certain level of clothing I feel comfortable with and I've made a covenant to wear garments and that means that I have committed to cover those parts of my body that they cover.  The same was true when I went to BYU.  I knew what the standard was before I went to school there and I agreed to that.  But I do not feel comfortable with the aggressive manner my children are being targeted on the topic of modesty.  Mainly because I'm not entirely comfortable with the way the topic is taught.  Sometimes it feels like when it is taught we are given a checklist of do this and be good, do that and be bad.  More then I care to admit I've seen people look down on others who don't dress to our standard even if they have no reason to live the covenant we've made and that includes judging children who are wearing sleeveless dress.  Sometimes I put my daughters in sleeveless dress.  It really says more about me then it does about them and what is says about me is that I think my daughters are children and I don't have a problem with them occasionally wearing sleeveless summer dresses.  I also don't have a problem with them wearing leggings under their dresses to help them stay warm or to cover their underwear when they're trying to do flips in their dress, and I also buy my daughters two piece swim suits.  One, it is a lot easier to take them to the bathroom.  Two my oldest is WHITE, WHITE, WHITE!  And so to save her beautiful shoulders from the pounding sun at the pool I buy her a swim shirt and bikini bottoms.  This is sort of how I see clothing.  I see it as protection.  I see it as a way to cover our private parts because we belong to a culture and a religion that ask use to do so.  I see it as a way to express our individuality or our conformity if that is what we want.  I want my girls to feel comfortable in what they wear.  My mother was fairly lose with our clothing choices as  as children.  She didn't insist that we only wear shorts that went to our knees or that our shoulders were always covered.  Instead she made sure we were dressed appropriate to the event we were doing.  She would occasionally x out a particular piece of clothing if she felt like it wasn't appropriate but for the most part she really just made sure we were comfortable and dressed according.  The results are, when it was time for me to choose to go to the Temple, I still did it even if it meant giving up all my shorts and it wasn't a hard decision for me. As for my siblings, even the ones who are not currently active in the church still dress nicely and appropriate to the jobs they hold as grown women.  They may occasionally wear something that is sleeveless or doesn't reach the knee but they always look professional and age appropriate.  

Sometimes when I'm in a meeting and I'm listening to someone go off about the rising generation and how they aren't modest, I get a little frustrated because the truth is, we are not that modest.  I mean don't get me wrong.  I really appreciate being able to wear short sleeved shirts, or capris in the summer, or swimsuits, but I recognize that those behaviors for much of my own church's history wouldn't have been considered modest.  In fact the garment was changed to be shorter, which allows us to wear a whole host of things we wouldn't have been able to before and fit in more with regularly society.  Also in the broader scheme of the world we are not the most modest group. Our own break off fundamentalist church stays much closer to our past by having their women only wear dresses that go to their wrist and down the floor.  Other fundamental Christian and Jewish groups stick to very similar modesty rules, having women stay in dresses, keep their hair covered, and really shun modern fashion.  But if there was to be a modesty contest the true winners would be the Muslim world, and within that culture where women stay almost entirely covered the modesty debate still rages on.

When Captain E was 2 years old we went to the Middle East for the summer.  We primarily stayed in Amman, Jordan although we also spent some time in Egypt.  While there, I had a couple of experiences with modesty that really gave me some perspective on the culture of modesty in which I was raised.  The first happened while a group of the wives were walking home from a swim date.  After we left our friend's house we had to walk up a huge hill surrounded by a bunch of apartment buildings that were under construction to get to a bigger road where we could catch a taxi.  Most of the wives had worn long skirts or pants and long sleeved shirts but one girl, a newlywed in our group, was wearing a skirt that went to her knees and a short sleeved shirt.  It was an outfit that would have been entirely appropriate at the school that we were from or in any of our church meetings, but on this day as we walked up the hill with the wind blowing it was enough to bring men out of the buildings by the tens.  They lined the street we were walking on and actually seemed to be coming out of buildings in front of us making me wonder if a message was being sent by phone.  "Hey come out and see these American girls."  It made me exceptionally uncomfortable and I was relieved when we finally got into a taxi at the top of the street.

Another thing from my trip that struck me, in the Middle East many people consider it not modest to have your hair showing so many girls wear headscarves.  One time we went over to visit a family and the teenage girls asked me to come back into their room so they could talk to me and see Captain E without having to be around Dr. J, because being around men who are not from their family made them really uncomfortable.  The girls and I were just hanging out, it was the sister of one of Dr. J's friends and her cousin, when all of the sudden the brother walked into the room.  The cousin sort of gave a little scream and quickly pulled her headscarf on because she considered it immodest for any non immediate member of her family to see her without it.  He was her cousin, but that was still far enough removed to make her uncomfortable.

Another thing I found interesting about the Middle East was that we would see really stylish Muslim girls all the time who were totally covered but still looked adorable.  This is a stock photo because I can't get on my Jordan blog when I'm on this blog but this is pretty typical of what you'd see on the college campus.  Girls would wear long lose tunics but maybe skinny jeans, or slimmer skirts.  They might wear leggings and boots.  They'd have cute shoes on, colorful scarves and cute purses.  I fell in love with their style, found it totally adorable and recognized that it not only met my standards of modesty but blew them out of the water.  Which is why when a few months ago my friend Bridget (oh isn't she such a rebel rouser) posted some Muslim hi-jab memes I was a little in shock.  Turns out that there is actually a kick back against these kinds of girls, that they are not modest enough.



This one gave me a little laugh because it reminded me of that summer in Jordan.  There we are BYU approved girls, at number two.



Here is the style I love so much.  Guess it isn't cutting it.



Another one.


Or even this one telling girls how they are not covering enough of their hair or chest area.

It was illuminating.  The thing is, what is considered modest varies depending on your culture, your country of origin, your religion, or even just personal preference and opinion.  What one person might consider modest other people might see as completely revealing.  I'm not saying throw all you expectations out, but I do think we need to be a little more understanding.  People who don't dress to our standard are not necessarily bad people.  People who do dress to our standard are not necessarily good people (I'm thinking about you mean girl in my sister's old ward).  Each person is unique and has their own history and own standards.  In my case I've made a covenant that ask me to dress a specific way but it doesn't make me better than anyone else, and I certainly don't have the right to use my personal life as a standard to judge others, because let's face it, I'd rather not be judged as lacking by those who dress more covered then I do.  I respect everyone's opinions and their right's to dress themselves or their children according to what they think it appropriate but I just wanted to point out that our "absolute standard" has actually changed and so maybe we can leave this topic a little bit more to families  to decide what they feel is appropriate rather then telling six years girls that they are immodest in a dress their mother put them in.

M is for Miscarriage

I got the opportunity to Facetime with my sister today and watch all three of her little sweeties.  It is amazing to me that she is now a mother of three.  She went in Tuesday at 9am to start the induction on this little guy and then finally Wednesday at sometime after 6pm he appeared.  He followed his older cousin Captain E in taking his sweet time in making an entrance (all five of our other girls came in 10 hours or less) but mom and baby are doing great and seem really happy.  Both his sisters are ecstatic at his birth and I personally can't wait to get my hands on his sweet little goodness.  That being said there is a part of this birth that is particularly bitter sweet for me.  I happen to be at what I hope to be the tail end of a miscarriage.

It feels so heavy to type those words, especially since most people didn't even know I was pregnant but about eight weeks ago Dr. J and I found out we were expecting our fifth child.  It was a surprise and I can tell you that the news was met with tears and fear.  First off I'd already been feeling the strain of four children.  When your spouse is so busy and you spend so much time on your own, motherhood can be a highly demanding occupation.  That week in particular it seemed that so many people had made commentary about the size of our family already and I just didn't see how I could scrape up any more energy and if I could face what already seemed to be the judging disapproval over our family size.  Then came the fear.  Cheetah's birth was horrible and scary and while there is no reason to suspect another birth like that, in the back of our minds it loomed heavy.  Finally there was the panic.  We had planned a trip to Kenya for this summer, lots of people had jump through many hoops to make it happen, and now rather then being ready to go, it looked like we'd be having a baby right in the first week of our trip.  We were freaking out.

But what was done was done and as I started to be overwhelmed with feelings of nausea and exhaustion a growing acceptance entered our hearts.  When we saw that the baby was due the same week that Captain E and Peach were born I was instantly calmed.  Through no planning of our own, our children were all due exactly 2 1/2 years apart.  It is something that through the years has brought me a lot of comfort as a testament to God's divine order, that he had a plan for my life outside of what I was aware.  As each child was born I had actually seen divine confirmation as to why they were born when they were.  That due date was like the promise of something better.  As we talked over our summer plans we finally decided that after I had the baby Dr. J would leave for Kenya right away with his group as planned.  I would stay state side but would go home for the summer and this little one would get to spend his first two months of life surrounded by grandparents, something none of our children had gotten to experience. While not necessarily an ideal plan there was a part of me that felt a little relief over this turn of events after the mall shooting in Nairobi.  And once our summer plans were solidified in our minds we actually started to get a little excited about the idea.  We felt strongly that this would be our last child and felt strong confirmation that it would finally be the boy that Captain E so desperately longed for.  In a complete opposite of normal events we came up with a name almost immediately that both of us were in total agreement on.  While I couldn't completely shake the fear of Cheetah's birth a love began to plant itself deep within my heart and it brought me hours of joy to plan how we would announce the pregnancy to our older children and the rest of our family.  Then two weeks ago I started to miscarry.

M is for misery.
This was probably not my first miscarriage.  It seems to me that some point in our past I missed a period, had a confirmed pregnancy test and then started to have bleeding, but this was by far our furthest along.  At ten weeks I almost felt like I was in the clear and had already had plenty of time to enjoy the not so great parts of being pregnant, but here I was heavily cramping and bleeding, and it was misery.  For me physically the miscarriage was awful.  I had intense cramping that of course like all of my labors was accompanied by back pain.  The first week I also had to suffer through the injustice of still dealing with morning sickness and fatigue.  It was insult to injury.  The bleeding was intense, much more severe then any period and the feeling of passing material made me physically ill.  It was incredibly isolating.  I didn't go anywhere for weeks because when you are soaking through pads and cramping you don't want to go anywhere.  In the last two and half weeks I've worn jeans exactly two hours, at a MOPS meeting and even then I had to go to the restroom twice.  Most of the time I've just sat at my house in sweat pants or leggings, confined to a ten foot radius from my bathroom.  It has been emotionally isolating.  There were only two people who knew I was pregnant.  In some ways that was a blessing to not have people constantly asking, in others it was painful.  At one point I went to pick Peach up from preschool and one of my workout buddies commented on how she hadn't seen me in weeks.  I mouthed the words, "I'm having a miscarriage," and in just seconds she had crossed the hall and wrapped me up in a big hug.  It was a huge comfort to me.  No real words to be said, but an action that told me she knew what I was going through and she was sorry.  But most people didn't know and my pain made me feel separate from them.  It was isolating from my husband.  He was kind and compassionate but for him it was maybe a relief and for me it felt like a crushing blow.

M is for Monster.
It is hard for me to know if it was the hormones or the experience but these last few weeks I have felt like a monster, like I'm going insane, like my emotions have been all over the place.  I have been angry at everyone.  I've been angry at God for putting love in a my heart for a child I was not going to get to raise.  I've been angry at my husband for not feeling the devastation I've felt.  At one point for about five days I actually went and slept in the guest room because seeing him enjoy this online game he plays (that I already hate) while I ways laying in bed feeling like I was bleeding to death was just more than I could take.  I've been angry at my children for any disobedience.  It is hard to be patient and loving and kind when you feel horrible.  I've been angry at my doctors office for having the worlds "failed abortion" on my paperwork.  I've felt angry at the whole world for just continuing on as if today was the same as yesterday.  I've been sad, so sad.  What seems like an almost constant stream of tears while I'm driving, wracking sobs in the bathroom, random tears springing to my eyes when I'm in the hallway at pickup or looking in the mirror or watching my other children play.  It reminds me of the intense sadness I felt when I had to leave the hospital without Cheetah only then I knew I would eventually be bringing her home and now I know this child is never to be.  And even that thought leaves me with feelings of confusion.  This baby hardly was, just a few short weeks of life, never outside of my body.  The laws of heaven tell me that God has a plan.  The laws of nature tell me that if I miscarry it is probably for the best.  My mind says, "how can you love something the size of a large grape that you've never seen, that you will never hold, that you will never take care of," but my soul is so profoundly sad that I know that my heart doesn't understand those laws.  I feel guilty that when I first found out I was pregnant I was so upset, so scared, so disappointed.  In the dark corners of my mind I worry that my child choose not to stay because he didn't feel loved enough.

M is for Mercy.
Even in my sadness, anger, pain, and my guilt there is a small glimmer mercy, this small place open waiting for God to show me what I need to know.  I felt real joy at the birth of my newest nephew.  I plan to find balm in his sweet baby cheeks.  I've found comfort in my sister and my mom, and in a few good friends who have been willing to share their love and the wisdom they've gained through experiencing loss themselves.  I've heard my sister who is always insisting I have too many children say the words, "You know, you can always have another one."  And interestingly enough as our plans for our family trip are back on all the fear I had about travelling since that horrible terrorist attack have left me and instead been replaced with a desire to do some good in the world.  Maybe it was just that reminder that even just sitting at home bad things can happen, but I felt a renewed desire to follow a greater plan and show faith in the direction God is pushing me.  I don't have any magic answers for our future.  I don't know if we will ever have another child, if this empty feeling in my arms will ever fill, and I certainly still have no idea what God's greater plan is for my life but I do have faith that there is a plan and I hope that someday I can fully understand its purpose.

Tripping...

So my uber (oh man I swear I would never use that word) talented photographer friend is flying out to Washington to take family pictures of my sister's family next month.  I cannot tell you how much I want to go.  The Midwest in December...miserable.  Who doesn't want to take a kid free flight with a bestie to Portland and then spend three days combing Washington beaches for beach wood and good pics, while the rest of the midwest is stuck in frozen rain.  Well if you don't want to go, you are crazy? And I'm not crazy.  But of course Dr. J just moved back into a hospital rotation so no time off and he'll be on call.  OF COURSE!  So not only would I need to pay for a ticket but I'd also have to find someone to watch my children the entire time I was there, 24 hour care and pay for that.  I spent a good day just trying to figure out how to make it work, but I just could never get it figured out.  Such a bummer.  But it did make think about trips I'd love to take someday.  Don't get me wrong, I love traveling with my hubby and with my kiddos and we have some big trips planned for our future, even a really big one coming up relatively soon, but I do also recognize that a trip with kids is no vacation for momma so I think someday when we have the cash and Dr. J has a little more time to take on the child care duties or we live closer to our parents (oh how much I wish we lived closer to parents), well at that time maybe I'll get to take some girlfriend trips and here are some of the ones I want.

-I want to spend a few days in Seattle with my sisters.  Who doesn't love sisters, and who doesn't love the Northwest.  And yes Jessica I'd even let you come :)

-I want to do New York with my college roommates.  The city, the shows, the food, the girls.  It would be a blast.

-I want to go to Vegas and see the Faith Hill/Tim McGraw concert with my sister-in-law Emily.  I sort of feel like this needs no explanation.  

-I want to do Boston and Washington DC with my lovely Heather.

-I want to fly to the UAE with Nancy to go see Bridget.  

-Last I'd love to do a trip to France with Kara and maybe we could stop in Stockholm on the way to see Catrin.

You know, seems totally reasonable :)  

Sleep

Well I was doing so good.  I made it to the 14th blogging everyday and then yesterday laid down for a few minutes and conked out before I got a chance to post.  So here you go, 6 reasons why it is important to sleep!  Thank you Harvard. I'm actually a horrible sleeper.  Well I'm a great sleeper, I just don't sleep a whole lot.  I trained myself as a kid to read late into the night so I'm a major night owl.  Luckily I also trained myself to wake early since my mom did not tolerate sleeping in, who knows what happened with my baby brothers.  As the oldest child I look back at my younger siblings and often wonder who are these people raising them because they certainly aren't the same people who raised me, but that is a blog for a different day.  So I stay up pretty late but the positive is I always get up on time.  The negative is I'm probably ten times grouchier them I need to be.  Also it can't be helping with my chubby belly.  So last night I closed my eyes at ten o'clock, and this morning at 5:30 my eyes shot open before the alarm even went off.  Who knows, maybe I'll actually be in a good mood today :)

So Six Reason's To Get Enough Sleep
1-Helps with learning and memory.
2-Good for weight loss.  Chronic sleep deprivation causes weight gain.
3-It adds to safety.
4-Improved mood.
5-Better cardiovascular health.
6-Improves immune function.

The Harvard Women’s Health Watch suggests six reasons to get enough sleep:

1. Learning and memory: Sleep helps the brain commit new information to memory through a process called memory consolidation. In studies, people who’d slept after learning a task did better on tests later.
2. Metabolism and weight: Chronic sleep deprivation may cause weight gain by affecting the way our bodies process and store carbohydrates, and by altering levels of hormones that affect our appetite.
3. Safety: Sleep debt contributes to a greater tendency to fall asleep during the daytime. These lapses may cause falls and mistakes such as medical errors, air traffic mishaps, and road accidents.
4. Mood: Sleep loss may result in irritability, impatience, inability to concentrate, and moodiness. Too little sleep can also leave you too tired to do the things you like to do.
5. Cardiovascular health: Serious sleep disorders have been linked to hypertension, increased stress hormone levels, and irregular heartbeat.
6. Disease: Sleep deprivation alters immune function, including the activity of the body’s killer cells. Keeping up with sleep may also help fight cancer.

Pea Pod Delivery Review

This last two weeks have been rough for me.  We've had illnesses on illnesses and some other health problems and my desire to leave the house is at an all time low.  For months we'd been getting coupon codes from pea pod grocery service trying to entice us to have our groceries delivered and when I looked at our quickly emptying shelves and thought about going to the grocery store I almost had a panic attack until I remembered a pea pod coupon in my junk drawer.  I sat down and in maybe fifteen minutes had ordered my entire list.  They had everything on my grocery list.  The prices were maybe a little higher, like not necessarily the sale price but about equivalent of normal prices.  They have sale items.  Chicken was cheaper then in my store this week.  They carry organic.  They have their store brand and they accept manufacture coupons.  The grand total for my list, 110, 85 after I used my $25 off coupon.  The price to deliver to my house, 6.99 although for the first 60 days I get free delivery.  I picked a delivery time, hit send,  and was done.  This morning I got a text during breakfast that my groceries were here.  Six boxes were on the porch.  I pulled them in and had them unloaded before the kids were on the bus.  It was AMAZING!!!   For me at this moment a real life saver.  I imagine that if I stuck to one Costco trip a month and this the rest of the weeks I would probably even save money because I wouldn't be tempted by random clearance items.  Maybe this month I'll test that theory out!  The one negative I see, you are stuck with the boxes until they pick them back up.  Right now they are hiding in my guest room :)