Letting Our Children Own Their Accomplishments

At the end of last year Captain E had a chapter on running a business.  The kids put together a business plan, worked on a project, and then held a fair for the second and fourth graders at the school where they either sold small trinkets that they made or ran carnival games.  Capt. E is really into Angry Birds and so it wasn't a surprise to me when he told me he wanted to put together an Angry Bird's bowling game.  I was actually really excited about it.  I had pinned this image from Homemade Beauties By Heidi and I couldn't wait to put it together.

So I want you to imagine my dismay when the next day after coming home from school and spending a 1/2 hour in his bedroom Captain E brought me the 2nd can from the right for inspection.  He'd asked some of the kids in his class for their used soda cans after lunch, had brought them home and when he couldn't find any green paper (mainly because he hadn't asked where it was) he set to making his own by coloring lined paper with a colored pencil.  Over the following week he completed the rest of the pigs using a couple of tin cans he got out of recycling, some more soda cans, and a milk carton.

I want you to know that this was honestly one of the hardest moments in my parenting.  I wanted beautiful, perfect, uniform, Martha Stewart Pigs.  My OCD REQUIRED IT!  But instead he was producing mismatched paper and tape covered child created piggies.  I had to bit my tongue, HARD.  I had to recognize the value of my son planning his own project, solving how to get his own materials, going through the effort of putting them together himself, and then being proud of his own work and accomplishments.  It was a hard lesson.  I wanted to put together the perfect project, to send it in and have all the other PTA moms and teachers in awe over my/I mean my son's creativity and artistic abilities (ie ability to copy off Pinterest ;).  I wanted to have a picture perfect blog moment, Pinterest moment, school moment, mom moment.  I want to be prideful.  I wanted to be the best.

One of the things I've noticed about myself as a mother is that the temptation to compete through our children is almost irresistible.  From their earliest moments we compare their percentiles, their head size, who is the first to sit, crawl, walk.  Who has the most words.  Who has the most friends.  Who the best dancer.  Who learns to read the earliest.  Who gets on the team.  Who climbs the monkey bars first.  Who gets the best grades.  Who goes to the best college.  Who picks the best career.  In our competitiveness we turn our children into an extension of our own self worth and by doing so we often stifle their own opportunities for growth and their own dreams.  I remember one day being on Facebook and a friend mentioned that a mother on a blog she'd been reading had said that if her son wanted to dance she would kill herself.

What is wrong with us as parents?  We get so obsessed with the outcomes of our children, the product that we want them to be and how it reflects on us that we devalue their actual potential, their actual self and we often through our competitiveness and our requirement for them to perform at the highest level so that we can feel good about it will even rob them of their opportunity to learn.

A few years ago a good friend of mine sort of embarrassingly mentioned that she had been in a study at the University of Illinois that had shown that when American parents praise their children for being smart it actually keeps children from taking risk and learning more as opposed to Chinese parents who say to their children, "Here's where you need to improve, let me teach you."  I think it is important to know that this women is an AMAZING MOTHER, seriously one of the best people I've ever met.  Her children are outstanding.  They are GIFTED.  They ARE what you would call SMART.  They are talented in sports, school, music, and theater.  They are popular in their spheres.  They are good.  They are trustworthy.  They are the kind of children that any parent would be proud to have.  I think a big thing she took from the study was that rather then praising your children's intelligence we should praise effort.

Here is the key on this though, the problem I found when I was watching the production of these birds was sometimes I didn't like his efforts.  I wanted it my way because I wanted the pride of having it perfect.  But the truth is, the second I would have taken the project away from him, it would have been my effort and not his.  So I had to sit back.  I had to let him make the decisions, and while I didn't have my picture perfect Pintrest moment his efforts worked out great for him.  The kids liked his project.  His teacher was pleased.  He keep these birds around for months.

Our job as parents is to love our children.  It is to nurture them by providing them with a safe and happy environment in which they can learn the value of work, of ingenuity, and of persistence and apply those qualities toward living out their own dreams.  A lot of times when we talk about the negative value of the "self esteem" movement we like to worry over the rising generation and forget that much of what is going on comes from us as we try to use our children to bolster our own self esteem.  I find it to be the trickiest part of parenthood.  But I think if we can detach our own value from seeing our children as a product that we can take pride in we really open up a lot of opportunity for them to take pride in their own selves, in their own efforts, in their work.  Our children are not pets to be trained, but instead are small people growing into big people.

When we separate ourselves from our children we also open ourselves up to take pride in accomplishments outside of our children.  Just because we are parents doesn't mean the rest of our lives is only that fact.  We can still produce.  There are races to be run, intramural sports to join, book groups, work accomplishments, art projects, the whole sphere of home improvements, pets to train, yards to beautify, food to create, trips to take, photographs to be taken, blogs/books/articles that need to be written, political campaigns and movements to contribute to.  These are the spheres in which we can take pride out of competition because these efforts we own.  We still have the opportunity to live out dreams and if we are not satisfied with where we are we still can still learn and grow, shift and even do something else.

This is my goal in life, to take pride in what I can still do, to see my children as living, breathing, feeling, thinking beings outside of my own self and do the best I can to be their support staff rather then their director so that they can have the opportunity to take pride in their own abilities and see the value in working to increase those.  Look I'm not saying I'm not going to post pictures of the kids awards, or of their projects, or I might tell you about something they are doing in the hall because 1) this blog is my journal and 2) their activities are a big part of our family life, but I am going to try to be more conscious about my motivations.  Am I sharing information about what is going on in their lives or am I trying to build my own self worth, because for me personally that is where my problems lies.

Mommy Juggler - An Exercise in the Rediculous

Sometimes being a mom of four with a husband who is never home is just an exercise in ridiculous.  I often find myself in a balancing act, not a figurative one, like an actual honest to goodness balancing act.  I have to balance time.  I run from activity to activity, school functions, doctors appointments, church responsibilities kids in tow, a bag full of electronics, snacks, toy, and books to try and stave off boredom.  I have to balance children.  Multiple children at a time, tiny tots and the olders.  I'm always in a rush, I'm always under stept, I always probably look crazy, but like any great circus performer the show must go on.  Most recently the need for my skills appeared at the Green and Blue Banquet for the cub scouts of our stake.  A certain Older in my house was receiving his wolf badge.  He had worked really hard to push through and get all his stuff done in time for the banquet.  We'd gotten into scouts last summer and done pretty much nothing.  When at the last awards ceremony he didn't have any awards to receive mom guilt kicked in and I start having him work on projects every day.  In less than two months he had completed all the wolf requirements and was ready to receive his award.  His completion culminated with the Green and Blue Banquet, a stake affair where all the cub scouts in his troupe would be meeting for dinner and awards.  It was on the North Side of the city, a fact that I find exceptionally annoying but will leave for another blog post.  It took probably an hour to get there, while only twenty or so miles away the North Side traffic is horrendous  even on a Saturday afternoon.  The one positive, Dr. J and I had looked at several houses in that area and while I dragged along in stop and go traffic and construction I thanked my lucky stars that we choose the house with the shorter and more convenient commute.  When you have very little time with your family wasting any of it on driving seems like a crying shame.  We finally got to the building.  It was then that I was faced with my first problem in acrobatics.  While driving Peach had fallen asleep.  Now the thing you have to understand about Peach is naps are of the devil.  It turns a normally adorable, slightly stubborn girl into a tiny terror.  Think irrational ogre child.  So she was upset and I was carrying a crying three year old and a fussy 15 month old.  We got into the meeting and found our den.  GG ran off to chase kids around the stage.  Captain E went to the bathroom to change into a scout shirt.  Peach cried, she screamed, she insisted in sitting in a chair that wasn't hers.  TT kept trying to escape.  A friend from our old neighborhood came up.  She gave me a hug and teased me about my boisterous children.  Finally it was our turn to get food.  Peach was still crying.  I was carrying TT.  I was trying to keep an eye on Captain E and GG and make sure that they didn't spill plates of Sloppy Joes as they went down the desert and sides table.  TT was fighting me to get down.  Peach was clinging to my leg actually sitting on my foot crying her eyes out.  I was literally dragging her along.  My friends took a look at me and started laughing.  It was so ridiculous :)  "Kodak moment" my friend Michelle with three kids said.  Luckily my friends came to the rescue.  They took a kid, they helped me carry food.  We made it through the line and back to the table.  Once the kids start eating everyone settled down, even Peach Pit became Peach Jam.  We got to see Captain E get his award.  Captain E we are so proud of you.  I love watching you in scouts, camping, crafting, running around with the boys.  I might look crazy running after you guys, juggling time and babies but when I see you guys doing all this cool stuff it is worth it.

So unfortunately I have no picture of my dragging Peach along but I have this lovely one from Christmas, just me juggling the babies!  Mom, I'm a magician!  

"Do You Remember When The Whole Family Took a Bath Together?"

Captain E asked Gigi at the table today.  "No" she said, "When was that?"  "Um, that never happened," I piped in, "We are a family of six, how would we all fit in a tub together?"  It wasn't when we had all the kids." He says, "It was back when we were just me, you, Gigi, and dad."  "That never happened," I told him.  But the thing is my face was getting a little red because actually I did have this nagging little memory of sitting in a bath tub with all four of us, Captain E would have been about three, Gigi would have been a few months old.  In fact the more I pull at the thread of this memory, the more starts to percolate into my mind, and I can actually see the ordering in which we were in the tub.  "No!" I say more firmly, shaking my head for emphasis and to force the memory out, "That did not happen.  Even if there were just four of us, how could four people fit into a tub?"  "Well," he says, giving me a once over with his eyes, "We all use to be a lot smaller."

They Just Keep Growing

The kids just keep growing.  I mean seriously why won't they stop!  Captain E is eight now.  It's great to be eight.  Kid cracks me up.  As soon as he knows you are taking a picture those eyes snap shut.  It is almost impossible to get a picture of this kid when he knows you are trying.  Easter, mother's day, back to school pics.  These are so hard.  Kid kills me.  I tried growling and bribing.  No joy.  Instead enjoy this silly look with the eyes closed.  Look at those skinny long legs and arms.  This kid cracks me up.

Then we've got Gigi.  Finally five an moving on to school.  She loves the bus.  She loves the social aspects of school, having a whole new group of friends.  She loves snacks, reading, the library, art, and PE.  There is one thing she hates about Kindergarten, nap time!  Everyday she comes home and tells me they had to have rest time again.  "I haven't taken a nap in years mom," she tells me.  Yes I know sweetie, yes I know.

Little miss peach.  Oh boy.  Three has always been the hardest age for me.  The kids go from being these cute little mama loving babies to being these independent, opinionated little people.  Every day becomes an exercise in hostage negotiation.  Peach has been no exception but she also is adorable.  This particular day she wore her pajama top all day under her backwards shirt.  That's just how we roll her.  She also recently got this little pixie cut.  In general I'm anti bangs on my babies because as the hair thickens up they just keep getting thicker but Peaches hair is so thin and crazy :)  She loves it!

Then we have little miss cheetah who I have renamed Petitie Sweetie, aka sweet pea.  She is adorable and pretty much the most trouble I've ever seen in such a small package!  In three days she will be ten months old....or 71/2 months adjusted.  She is just a tiny little thing, 16lbs but she rules the roost in this house.  Smart little whip of a girl.  She can get the lids off markers.  I often find her crawling around chewing on the tabs of the door stops.  She will unplug my phone and suck on the chord.  Ok maybe she just has an oral fixation.  She is one of the happiest little people I've ever seen.  We adore her.

You Know Those People Who Lose Their Children....

Well we are them, but that comes later.  We have never taken our family on a vacation that didn't involve going to Utah to see family.  There was never the time or the money to do anything besides our yearly pilgrimage to Utah.  I didn't feel bad about it but this year when Dr. J got three weeks of vacation time, I was anxious to use one on a family vacation.  The first week, we originally saved to use on Cheetahs birth.  Of course she surprised us and came 11 weeks early.  Instead that week was used for Dr. J's kidney stone surgery.  The second week was a trip to, you guessed it, Utah.  The finally week we planned to drive down to North Carolina.  Then reality hit us.  We'd spent most of our savings on medical expenses and our house this year, we were broke, and we weren't really feeling the long drive.  That's when I remembered some friends mentioning they'd done some camping on the great lakes.  And I remembered a Parenting article that mentioned Indian Beech as one of the top 10 family beaches.  With less then half a day drive, the option to camp, and no worry of sharks it was easy to decide this trip was the one for us.

Location, Location
-When doing anything with children location is key.  Originally Dr. J wasn't to queen on the fact that our campground had showers and running water bathrooms.  Turns out with four kids they were a necessity.  Especially the night that Peach crawled into Dr. J's sleeping bag and peed all over him!  Boy was he grateful for the washing facilities then.  We were also close to a playground, the perfect place to send our high energy brood during set up and pack up.  Our site was on the back end of the dune and we were surrounded by sand.  While it wasn't the most pleasant to clean out of the tent on our pack up day, it kept the kids entertained for many hours!

I bought this tent for Dr. J Christmas two years ago.  This was our first time using it!  Hurrah for the eight man tent.  Turns out families of six with tons of child hud need the extra space :)

We also were super close to the nature center, a small museum about the dunes, the animals there, and the history.  It was a fun place to visit, a great place to watch birds, and these crazy squirrels, and later when we lost our kids a place to run for help.

St Patrick's Day/Soccer Begins

 We started out St. Patrick's Day with an 8:15 practice.  When Captain E was younger we signed him up for soccer at the Y.  He sat in the corner of the field.  We signed him up for basketball, he stood in the corner.  Finally we went with Tae Kwon Doe.  It was about individual effort and achievement and for a shy kid sometimes that is what you need.  This spring we decided to try soccer again.  We signed up both Captain E and Gigi.  Wow what a difference a year or two makes.  E was involved with the group, listening to the couch, participating and interacting with kids he'd never met before.  It was truly beautiful...well it would have been had it not been 8:15 in the morning.

 Peach just wanted to eat candy.  Gigi wanted to be held.  Cheetah snuggled in with daddy.  Dr. J had worked the night before but Saturday was his day off so he came home, changed, and joined us on the field.  He's been working a month of nights with only one day off a week.  He said to me, "On my one day off I should be a good dad," he paused for a second and then said, "or at least a kind of good dad."  We both had a laugh at that.  Oh medicine, you make it possible to pay for the kids, but you make it almost impossible to ever see them...bitter sweet :)

 The girls got some playground time.  

 We then headed to I HOP to treat the kids to breakfast.  Note to self, no more meals for Gigi and Peach.  Those two have to share until they can prove otherwise.  The next step was a trip down to the downtown canal.  They had dyed it green for St. Pattys.  We had a good laugh at all the runners decked out for the St. Patty's day run.  So fun, I definitely want to join in next year!

 Dr. J and the kids hanging out with the green canal.  Look at how cute picture two is.  Keep that in mind when you see the one and only picture of me and the kids.

 There are fish in the canal.  We actually spent quite a bit of time watching two carp trying to kill a third.  Dr. J scared them off several times but what can you do when they are determined to eat the scales off another fish, circle of life kids, circle of life.

 Ok here it is.  The one and only picture of me.  Lovely isn't it.  I think this explains two things, 1) why two weeks ago I started Weight Watchers, and 2) why I just would rather not ever have a picture taken of myself.  Blah.  Thanks honey for taking a picture while I was scowling.

My kids are so theatrical, especially my first born.  "Mom, take a picture of me being squished by this wholly mammoth."  "Mom now I'm going to save Gigi."  "Mom I'm going to pose like this, snap the picture.  Let me see it.  AWESOME, that's what I was going for.  It looks like I'm running."  E's birthday is coming up in just a few months and I'm determined to get him a nice little flip camera so that he do his own photos, film and make his own home videos.  

 Finally at 1:15 we had soccer practice for Gigi.  Cracks me up.  This little girl is ALL LEGS!  Finally at 2:30 we made it home.  Dr. J was beat and collapsed almost immediately.  I made it to the couch where I fell asleep nursing.

Spring Was Here....

 I wish this picture wasn't blurry.  We had about three days of spring and this was one of them.  Huge raindrops were pelting so hard I didn't even want to stand in the doorway, but there were my kids swinging away having a good old time.  Meanwhile Peach was in the house, eating.  A girl after my own heart, an empty stomach and a little more common sense when it comes to the weather :)

 Little miss cheetah was hanging out in her "favorite" place.  Well it used to be her favorite.  As of late she just hasn't been that happy in the swing.  Every time I walk by I hear, "Mum, mum, mum."  So funny!