Preemie Life - Day 7

So I apologize for the lack of sound on this video...I narrated the entire thing and only after coming home did I realize I left the headphones in but not the ones for the itouch with the microphone so nothing picked up.  Technology, blah, I guess you could say!  Speaking of technology today Dr. J taught his mother to text.  It took him a whole three minutes.  Seriously I don't know why she was scared of it.  She then called my sister in law to tell her she now knew how to text and my sister in law said,  "Mom why didn't you just text me that."  So I guess everything takes time right?  Dr. J had a day off today and so he and I went to the hospital to see Cheetah.  Still no official name but Gigi wanted to call her Cheetah and since all of my kids need a blog-sphere name anyway and this girl was in such a hurry to get here, Cheetah works.  I told Cheetah we were going to call her Cheetah and I kid you not the girl smiled.  Yes it was that dreamy little smile that babies get when they are full and blowing bubbles but still it was a smile!  First one I've seen.  Also in firsts, we had our first poop since the first just after birth poohs.  Not surprising since she is now up to getting 10 ml of milk every three hours.  This is up from just 3 ml two days ago.  She is also closing in on her birth weight.  Three pounds here we come.  Yeah Cheetah!  When the nurse asked Dr. J if he wanted to change the diaper he said, "Um I think I'll let you get this one...plenty more where those come from."  I also got to hold her for three hours and while we slept Dr J spent time reading articles on Kangaroo Care and how important it is to babies and mama.  It should come as no surprise that it helps with bonding.  Dr. J and I were talking about how different this experience is then with our three previous children.  There is so little you can control, so little you are in charge of.  It really gives you a sense of helplessness.  One of those things you can't control is how much time you get with your newborn.  They don't live at your home, you don't have access to them all the time, you have to ask if it is ok to hold them and there are limits on when, if, and how long you can do that for.  Dr. J pointed out that with our other kids we spent exactly 24 hours in the hospital.  Then we went home.  In that time the only moments they weren't in our room was when they were bathed and had their testing done, all of which he was present for.  Then he brought them back with us.  The only time they weren't be held was was then were sleeping and even then they were being held quite a bit.  Once they came home it was still an in our arms operation.  We are a baby wearing family (a warning about the link...there is a topless woman :) and with the exception of forced tummy time our kids are mostly in our arms.  We had a little cry over how much it hurts not to be able to bond with our child in a way that we feel most familiar with, that we strongly love.  The research shows though that kangaroo care helps ease some of that hurt and so we are definitely fans.  We also had a little cry about the realization that how well our daughter is doing does not equate into a soon return home.  You sort of get this feeling that there is a checklist

Breathing on Own....check

Taking Breast Milk....check

Gaining Weight....sort of, at least not losing...check

Eating on own....hopefully soon

Regulating body temp....maybe when she gets fatter

And you start to think, ok here is the checklist, if we can just check these things off we can go home.  Wow she's doing amazing.  Maybe she can come in a week, or two weeks, or three weeks, or four weeks, or....and here is the truth.  We will be lucky to bring this baby home at Christmas.  That will be lucky.  That will be if everything goes right.  And you start to cry because gosh darn it Christmas is so stinking far away.  And you are helpless.  There is nothing you can do to speed things up.  There is nothing you can do to bring this baby home next week or the week after.  It is so frustrating that you can't keep the tears from coming.  You cry in the car on the way to the hospital.  You cry in the lobby.  You cry at the bedside.  You cry walking out to the car.  You cry in the car.  You cry at the Chinese restaurant you are eating dinner at.  And then you cry because you feel guilty because you have this realization that you feel like crap and your baby is doing as good as a baby can do in this situation, I mean great, I mean a real miracle and then there is the baby in the bed next to yours and he isn't doing so well, and there is a real chance he is never going home, and you actually know people who have lost children, and if you feel this bad and your child is doing great then you have no way of comprehending the pain of your friends.  And you hope you were a good enough friend for them when they needed you.