Monday, November 14, 2011
Preemie Life - Day 17
If number one on my unfavorable question list is "When will your baby come home?", a close second is "So is this hard?" I've had so many friends/relatives/random strangers ask me this question and the truth is I'm curious as to what they think the answer might be. Most of the time when I respond I look over their shoulder and respond, "Yes," and every time I get choked up with tears. And then it gets a little awkward. I know everyone is well meaning. I understand they are just curious, I know they just want me to share some information, I just really dislike the question. The answer is simple. Yes it is hard, exceptionally so. I have a beautiful daughter, a wonderful family, I've been exceptionally lucky. That being said my life has been torn in two. I walk around with a constant ache. I feel like I'm not even hitting the bare minimum of what is required to be a good mother, a good wife, a good member of my church, a good friend. I feel like I take, take, take and still just am not making it. I cry all the time. I miss Gigi, Peach, and Captain E while I'm at the hospital. I miss Cheetah while I'm home. I find the most heartbreak in the fact that my family has been torn in two. Of the things I feel most robbed of it is the fact that I'm missing out on the bonding that I was so lucky to have with my previous three children. I know it isn't forever. I know that someday I'll be able to bring my baby home. I know that we will be a family the way I want to be a family, but right now in this moment, it is hard. It just is. Please be warned, if you ask me this question, you are going to see me cry.