Preemie Life - Day 17

If number one on my unfavorable question list is "When will your baby come home?", a close second is "So is this hard?"  I've had so many friends/relatives/random strangers ask me this question and the truth is I'm curious as to what they think the answer might be.  Most of the time when I respond I look over their shoulder and respond, "Yes," and every time I get choked up with tears.  And then it gets a little awkward.  I know everyone is well meaning.  I understand they are just curious, I know they just want me to share some information, I just really dislike the question.  The answer is simple.  Yes it is hard, exceptionally so.  I have a beautiful daughter, a wonderful family, I've been exceptionally lucky.  That being said my life has been torn in two.  I walk around with a constant ache.  I feel like I'm not even hitting the bare minimum of what is required to be a good mother, a good wife, a good member of my church, a good friend.  I feel like I take, take, take and still just am not making it.  I cry all the time.  I miss Gigi, Peach, and Captain E while I'm at the hospital.  I miss Cheetah while I'm home.  I find the most heartbreak in the fact that my family has been torn in two.  Of the things I feel most robbed of it is the fact that I'm missing out on the bonding that I was so lucky to have with my previous three children.  I know it isn't forever.  I know that someday I'll be able to bring my baby home.  I know that we will be a family the way I want to be a family, but right now in this moment, it is hard.  It just is.  Please be warned, if you ask me this question, you are going to see me cry.