Preemie Life - Day 127, 2 Months Corrected

I wish this picture was in focus, blah my camera drives me nuts.  Look at how tiny this little girl was just a few weeks ago.  Every day she grows a little more, just a little bit bigger.  Looking at Cheetah next to this doll just takes my breathe away.  Just a few months ago she was that size, living in "glass" box, being feed by a tube, living in the hospital.  Those were hard times for the family.  Momma was crying a lot.  Now we've got little Cheetah home and she is shinning light.  On the 28th, Cheetah had an appointment with the developmental pediatrician.  I was worried we were going to get into trouble for weaning her of the NG feeds.  I knew at the time it was the right thing to do and Dr. J and I did everything to make sure she was safe and growing, but I was still worried that the doctor was going to be mad at me.  I'm just not a ruler breaker.  Even ridiculous rules, I have trouble wanting to break.  Turns out my fears were totally unwarranted.  The doctor was happy for us.  Here are the notes she wrote me on my little rose.

1) Cheetah is gorgeous.

2) I think she forgot she was born early :)  Her developmental level for corrected age is right on or a little advanced.

Turns out all those little smiles and babbles really mean something :)  Her little "hi" and "mum" are my favorite.  

I haven't shed a single tear in two months and when you look at these sweet little faces I think you can see why.

Preemie Life - Day 72 Due Date

Today is my due date.  How bizarre is that?

Preemie Life - Day 37 Because It Makes Me Laugh

I'm posting this story because every time I think about it I laugh.  So family member who this happened with please don't be embarrassed or think I'm mad at you or apologize for anything.  Thinking back on this has kept me laughing for two days straight.

I was talking on the phone to a family member who I love dearly.  She asked me, "So how are you doing."  And because she is family and I don't feel the necessity to give the "fine" that most people expect when they ask you the generic question of how are you doing, I responded, "I'm doing horribly," and I started to cry.  And she said, "No I didn't mean your emotions sweetie, I'm asking about your healing, you know your body and your c-section scar."  And I kind of choked it back because it was so funny and awkward.  "Oh," I said, "Um I guess it's doing ok, healing up nicely."  The conversation ended soon after that but every time I think back on that awkward choke I had as I tried to switch gears I just bust out laughing.  Because it was so funny :)

Preemie Life - Day 19

Once upon a time I was a low risk pregnancy prospect.  I had three perfectly uneventful pregnancies watched over by midwives.  I loved them and wouldn't have chosen to do it any other way.  When I found out I was pregnant with my fourth child I spent a significant amount of time planning another perfectly uneventful birth.  I found local midwives, a hospital that would allow me to have a water birth IV free, with portable unattached monitors.  It seemed like the perfect plan.  I spent time ordering my hypnobirth kit and reading sites like birthfaith.  I was definitely excited.  When you spend a lot of time reading natural birth blogs and planning a natural birth you read a lot of negative things about c-sections.  I never imagined that I would find myself going through one just a few months later.  When it became obvious that there was no choice, that our baby needed to be born pronto I felt fear but interestingly enough it wasn't of the c-section itself, instead it was that my baby might not make it.  The second I knew Cheetah had to come out, the only thought I had was "Get her out" and "God please help my baby be ok."  These feeling completely clouded out the feelings of fear for myself or the feelings of disappointment I was sure that I would have.  I have a friend who just a few weeks later had the kind of birth I wanted to have and while I found her experience beautiful, when I compared our birth experiences the actually way our babies entered the world, it wasn't the lack of a natural birth that made me feel upset, instead it was the fact that my daughter had to be taken away from me due to her earliness.  Sure I'm not into my scar, and in the morning when I contemplate which pair of jeans to put on and always end up choosing the maternity ones because they are most forgiving on the still healing wound I'm a little bothered, but when push came to shove I wanted my baby safe more than anything else I could have imagined.  C-sections can be a very traumatic experience though and I know especially among people who are in the natural community there can be a lot of guilt and trauma associated with the experience.  That's why I was so excited to read this post that birthfaith linked on facebook.  Written by a doua it gave such a positive light for mothers who sometimes have to face this disappointment.  I wish all c-section moms got a chance to read it.  The comments made at the end were also beautiful.  Time to stop throwing blame and guilt at each other and really just celebrate the miracle that is giving yourself over to being a mother.  All mother make sacrifices and all babies birth's are special.

Premature Birth Plan - Day 12

Today in Triage...two woman got into a moaning contest and actually yelled at one another.  I kid you not!  One was 35 weeks along, contracting but not dilating at all.  I don't know much about the other although I'm fairly certain I saw her mother the night before and if that is true then she had been their forever.  I think sometimes there is the belief that doctors are always trying to medical up everything, but in these cases neither the doctors nor the nurses wanted to admit these woman.  One of the woman said to the doctor, "look I'm having contractions, I'm in labor."  And the nurse in the room said "Sweetie labor if when uterine contractions result in cervical effacement and dilation.  We've been watching you for hours, you are not dilating.  We've been monitoring the baby and she is fine.  We are fairly certain these are just braxton hicks preparing your body for labor."  After they left her bed they went across and said almost the same thing to the girl in the bed across the room.  And then they started moaning.  I mean loud, crying, begging for help, begging for nurses, begging for mama, swear words, and the lords name being thrown all over the place.  Sometimes they would moan together, sometimes one would moan something, and there would repeat it, sometimes they would actually yell at each other.  After what seemed like forever the doctor finally came back and admitted both of them for evaluation.  At which point one of them stopped and started asking why they just weren't going to go straight for a c-section since she was obviously in pain and she wanted it to stop.  The doctor said, "you know we are admitting you for observation and that's all I'm going to promise."  I can't help but think they just wanted to separate the two and get them in some private rooms.  Meanwhile I was frantically looking for my call button because I was positive it was long passed my time to get out of there and I wanted freedom from the madness! Besides that my day has been fairly uneventful.  I played my first computer game today.  So far I've avoided it. With almost two weeks under my belt I just needed some variety.  I've also started to get a back ache.  Who knew sitting on my bum day and night was going to end painfully.  I seriously need to find a massage therapist who will make hospital visit calls.  That could help the time go by :).  For now it is Tylenol and heat packs.  Bummed out I'm missing the trunk-or-treat today.  My kids were so excited to put their Halloween costumes on.  I can't wait to see the pictures!  

Premature Birth Plan - Day 11

I FAILED MY TEST!  WHAT????  I mean what is the deal with me this pregnancy?  Seriously if I was at home I'd probably throw my Hypnobabies out the window.  I am so used to being able to "trust my body", and now it's like my body is saying, "Forget everything you thought you knew about me, it is a whole new ball game now baby!"  It just adds on more worry.  After having three kids I felt like I knew what to expect when it came to childbirth...or at least I used to feel like I knew.  It is scary to be in the unknown. I'm an anxiety girl!  The last thing I need is real things to have anxiety about, I make up sufficient numbers of things to have anxiety about...I don't need REAL STUFF!  Ahhh, so back to my test, there is a chance that the steroids they gave me to prepare the babies lung have thrown me off.  So I have one week for my body to get it together and then I have to take another glucose test.  If I don't pass, I'll them be put on a restricted diet.  How am I going to make it without ice cream?  And Andrea come and have a taco date with me before I get put in dietary jail along with residential jail!  I also had a bad spot today when I went looking for research on "resealing of the amniotic sac".  I had this little hope in the back of my mind that might be a possibility, and that if by chance that happened the doctor might be more likely to be willing to let me leave as I got closer to the cut off date.  I think I had my hopes up because I had a bunch of people saying to me, "Well can't it just reseal itself and refill?"  Some claiming they'd heard of people that had happened to.  So being the little former scientist I went looking for studies and it turns out that there is a percentage of woman that do have their sacs reseal and refill....and for woman whose sacks rupture between 26 to 34 weeks that magic percentage is around 2.6%.  So yeah that is pretty much out!  Next time my mother-in-law goes Walmart I will definitely have her pick up the long squarish version of the knifty knitter because today it became glaringly obvious to me that my own far fetched hope of getting out of here had an almost zero chance of happening.  I guess I can thank the internet for that reality check, or curse it.  The positives on my day...still can eat what I want so I'm enjoying crunching on some homemade granola.  I saw my kids today.  They are so cute.  I always enjoy getting an opportunity to be with them.  Captain E brought his new Rippley's Believe it or Not book.  Between that and Genius World Records books I don't think there is better reading material for an almost eight year old boy.  He didn't seem that interested but when we opened it up and started reading some of the inserts he got so excited.  I told him to bring the book back next time he comes to visit and show me the craziest thing in the book.  I think he's going to have a good time looking.  G-bear brought the cutest book about little baby owl's waiting for their mama to come home...a sweet little book from a sweet little girl.  Peach is just a little sweetie.  Her potty training is going great.  Thank you grandma!  Grandma also has organized all the toys and is traded out the clothes in the dressers.  How will I live without Grandma :)  The only funny thing about Grandma...today when Dr. J came by he told me about all the awesome things Grandma is doing but then he mentioned that Grandma makes a lunch for him everyday when she is making lunch for Captain E...and apparently she puts oranges in the bag already peeled, and apples already sliced.  He said, "It feels like my mom is my mom again."  And then he started laughing because the statement was just that silly.  Got to love Grandma :)

Premature Birth Plan - Day 10

Today in Triage...a dehydrated teenager 7 months pregnant freaks out when she has to receive a bag of fluid.  "Ow, ow, ow, ow it hurts so much, it hurts so much.  She's trying to kill me.  I swear that white witch is trying to kill me.  Help me, help me, help me!  The nurse is killing me.  I feel funny, I feel funny.  I'm freezing, I'm freezing.  Why am I freezing?"  I have to say it was actually kind of funny.  I mean I'm with her, IV fluid is kind of creepy, coldness creeping up your arm...definitely not the best feeling ever.  That being said wow drama queen.  I wish I could sit outside her room for a bit two months from now :)  And I also saw why the nurses fight over me.  I'm not going to say I never say ow, but I don't accuse the nurses of trying to hurt me on purpose.  I realize they are just trying to do their jobs and for the most part they are trying their hardest to make it go as smoothly as possible for you.  Well at least usually, today I was a little bummed about my glucose test.  Yesterday they took three tubes of blood, one was suppose to start my glucose test, but then they didn't give me the "orange drink of death".  Today they did the whole test right but when it came time to get the results the lab first said they couldn't find them and then accused the nurse of putting them in the wrong type of vial.  So now tomorrow I have to do the glucose test again.  Oh blah!  That drink makes me want to puke.  I'd like to refuse it but because of my altered state it really isn't an option. Speaking of altered state, today I asked my resident gynecologist if it was really medically necessary for me to be here.  I think it was my sleepless night.  Something about not seeing the sun, I'm actually starting to lose my grip on time.  Last night I turned the lights off and just lay in bed.  Finally I got up to go to the bathroom turned the lights on and realized I'd been laying in bed tossing and turning all night.  It was 4:10 in the morning!  I also am losing track of the days.  I was sure tomorrow was going to be Wednesday but I couldn't get around the fact that I knew Dr. J had to pick Captain E up early today and that Gigi had gymnastics.  I kept telling myself, "No those are Wednesday things."  But in my mind Wednesday is still tomorrow.  Like I said, losing track.  So anyway in my crazy state today I asked the resident if I could go home.  "Well she said, do you have a way that we can monitor the baby at home and get the baby out in 5 minutes if we need to?"  This she of course said with a little smile.  "Um, no," I replied while looking at my toes.  "Well sweetie, I'm sorry to say you're going to have to stay."  You think that would have deterred me but when the head OB came by later I asked her as well.  She just chuckled and said, "I wish you could but the maternal fetal high risk doctor insist you stay.  None of the rest of us have any choice in the matter.  Plus can you honestly tell me that you would stay in bed with three little kids running around, honestly?"  Well I don't know if I could honestly tell her that but today I certainly would have been willing to tell it to her, even if it wasn't honest....that's right folks I'm on a sliding slope ;)  

Premature Birth Plan - Day 9

Still prego but unsure on the days...today nurse said 29 weeks 3 days.  I have no idea, and not that it really matters since I still have an 80% chance of having this baby in the next 5 days, but, as of this moment, I'm still preggo! I still don't have contractions, and I still don't have an infection!  So the point is I'm in the best position possible but I guess I really shouldn't worry too much about the day that this baby will be born because who knows if we will even make it there.  I had a fun day today.  This morning Dr. J came by to see me.  We were sitting in bed together when my rounding nurse Karen came by.  She teased me that if I'd been in bed with a different doctor we'd have had to have a talk after he left.  Then when I got back from having the baby monitored my mother in law, Peach and Gigi were here.  Funny little girls both crawled up on my bed, starting feed each other lucky charms, and asked me to turn cartoons on.  There eyes never strayed from there but neither did their bodies stray from my lap.  It feels so good to cuddle my children.  I of course am cursed with the blinders of a mama but I can't think of three kids I'd rather be the mother of.  Gigi brought me a card she's done for me.  It is amazing to me how good her writing is getting.  For two straight years I worried constantly about this girl and if she would be prepared for school.  Now not only do I know she is going to be ready but I'm confident that she is going to enjoy it and do well.  Grandma also brought me mail to sort through and then she had a fun time chatting with my nurse about where to get her fake eyelashes updated and her nails done.  So if anyone in town is curious about where to go to be a well maintained lady, I now know :)  I also had two of the mops girls come.  They brought pizza for lunch which was a welcomed break from hospital food and cupcakes and snickers for any visitors who come by later.  They had their two toddlers and it was fun watching the girls.  Definitely a good day, although in some ways a little hard.  These little visits bring so much joy, that there is always a down when you find yourself alone again :)  It is a weird little roller coaster of emotion...compare that to the days when no one comes.  You are just sort of at a general low.  So no high peak, but then no low either. That being said I'd still take the visit over no visit any day!  It's actually has just been overwhelming how many people have stepped up to take care of my family and have made it a point to keep my spirits up. My whole life I've taken pride in the fact that I can do it on my own.  I've always felt like if I couldn't do it on my own then it shouldn't be done at all.  Rarely do I ever want to ask for help and here I find myself in a position where I have no choice.  There is absolutely no way that Dr. J and I could do this alone.  We have become so vulnerable and yet instead of finding ourselves in a bad spot we have found ourselves completely propped up buy all the love and care.  It is an uncomfortable place for me to be, but I've definitely been eased by how freely the outpouring has been.  I just feel like my family is surrounded by angels!

Premature Birth Plan - Day 5

5 days since rupture.  28 weeks and 6 or 7 days...trying to get a nurse to look it up for me, so it might actually be 29 weeks! Still pregnant here!  Fluid is leaking, so it hasn't sealed off but no sign of infection and no contractions.  I hadn't had any fluid leak for two days so yesterday I decided to wear regular undies without a pad.  I am so paranoid about getting a dreaded yeast infection, but since I'm leaking again I'm back to pads.  I talked with the OB about it because I thought there was a risk that a yeast infection could cause a problem.  OB said it was OK  that I'd just have to take a anti-fungal pill.  I know this is probably TMI but it was a great release of tension for me.  Baby's heart beat is looking strong.  I don't know how comfortable it can be to be in that womb without the cushion of amniotic fluid but baby is still moving quite a ton.  When I go to triage at night to do my test strips it is almost impossible to get a good reading because baby is kicking and twisting!  Speaking of triage I'm a desperately starting to miss my ipod.  I managed to misplace it several months ago and never got around to looking since I'd been so busy with my itouch.  Now I'm missing it.  You get all types of patients here and some of their situations are frustrating to hear, even just as a patient in the curtain room next door.  Mom's on drugs, mom's who want to run off to smoke while they are in active labor, all types.  Like I said, I miss my IPOD!  Today was a fun day.  My MOPS group sent these beauties and they are truly lovely!  The nurses are keeping me in a steady supply of ice, ice water, and cherry Popsicles.  My friend Stacy came by to see me with pumpkin chocolate cookies.  My insurance agent called and chatted for 1/2 hour.  A friend who moved to Texas gave me a call today.  Two of my nurses from earlier in the week came by to see me today one bringing me a calendar and markers so I could mark down the weeks better and some activities.  I got to see Dr. J for an hour before he headed home and best of all Gigi was better today so my kids came for an hour.  Holy cow how are kids so resilient?  Sure Peach sat on my bed the whole time but everyone was just happy to see me, not clingy or grouchy.  They were well feed, clean, and happy.  What more could a mom hope for?  They were also cute.  Grandma said last night Gigi prayed to Jesus that he would take the bad germs out of her body so that she could come and see her mom.  I mean how like I said, adorable!  I'd ordered some Sierra Mist and they just thought they were the coolest drinking soda pop and getting ice from my little pink ice cups.  The those get a  lot of action.  I drink a ton of water here and eat a ton of ice!  When the nurses ask me if I want anything to drink I always get fresh ice.  Tomorrow I'm going to clock how many times I have to refill them.  I had an orange and banana from the morning and they thought it was fun to eat that.  Then they had fun eating my crinkle fries off my tray.  Kids :)  So I'm showering, but I still haven't managed to get my deodorant here, a bra, or tweezers so if you come in to see me be forewarned....not looking my prettiest.  I guess though we can just be grateful my hair doesn't smell!  Thank goodness for shampoo and conditioner!

Premature Birth Plan - Day 2

Lucky me, I got to sleep two great three hour stretches last night.  I know that doesn't sound so good but when you are in a hospital bed, I think it is quite the accomplishment.  Hospital beds, those overly hard metal frames, the plastic covered pillows, the thin plastic foam mattress, just isn't the foundation for a good nights rest.  Exhaustion got the best of me though and I really enjoyed those uninterrupted hours of zzz's.  Dr. J took the day off to try to get his mom used to the town and home.  She's got my debit card, she has the gps, I typed up an excel sheet schedule of our week, outlining wake up, school, carpool, homework, emergency numbers, what Captain E eats for lunch and snack, when library day is.  Dr. J doesn't want to print it out.  Apparently it is eight pages long!  Who knew that all those little bits of nothing that I do everyday actually add up to quite a bit of work.  The truth is it actually gave me a validation on my role at motherhood.  Sometimes I feel like I'm just churning my wheels, but on my computer I have eight pages that prove that I am a busy lady, that everyday I'm doing something, that I am a necessary cog in wheels of life.  Of course that makes me feel a little guilty that I'm not able to currently do my jobs, but I'm so grateful for a mother-in-law who so quickly got out here to take on my role, to love my children and take on my jobs.  I'm still on the labor and delivery floor but I'm going to oral antibiotics tomorrow and I don't need any more steroids so tomorrow they will be moving me to the post delivery side.  Dr. J will be starting a new rotation next week.  Everyone pray he is up to snuff, that he can learn, that he can be helpful to his patients, that he can have a clear mind, that he can be an excellent resident, and that he can be a stand up resident for his team.  His program director has not exactly thought that he could handle it and we feel like it is really important that he be able to prove his worth.  Pray for us!  My day today has actually been wonderful.  I've had several visitors, I was able to do some work, and best of all I saw my kids.  Dr. J asked the Elder's Quorum President to come by and help him give me a blessing of health, and the EQ ran into one of our bishopric members, a fellow currently stationed in my hospital.  They both came by and I gave them a humorous version of the events of the last few days.  I was feeling quite proud of myself until Dr. J came into the room with my three kids.  Peach said, "I want my mama," and when she crawled into my arms I burst into tears.  It was actually quite embarrassing.  I have to say this experience has really opened my eyes as to how joyful I actually feel about motherhood.  In the daily grind I sometimes get bogged down in the monotony and there are moments like when my two year old refuses to sit on the toilet or my seven year old is whining or my four year old is yelling that I don't appreciate the calling as much, but the truth is I love my children so much.  Their faces fill my heart with light and being able to care for them brings purpose and joy to my life.  I miss it so much I hope that I never again take for granted what a blessing my current role in life is.

Things about the hospital I hate: Being stuck here, lukewarm food, hospital beds, having an IV, not being able to have a bowel movement (I get seriously stressed out about non home potties), being asked every couple of hours about bowel moments that aren't happening, not being able to walk around, not wearing normal clothes, not seeing my children, not being able to cuddle with my hubby, not having my razor or deodorant and not being able to just go and get some for myself.

Things that are ok about being in the hospital: Everyone is so nice. Food is brought on a tray with just a phone call.  All the ice a girl could want.  Great help.  Everyday they come and ask me if there is a nurse that stands out, and the truth is they all stand out.  Every person I come in contact with, every nurse, every student, every resident, every ob, every specialist, every person who brings me a food tray, every cleaner is so nice.  The nurses tell me it is because I'm an easy patient, that I always ask with a please, that I always say thank you, that I always smile, that I turn my TV off when they come in the room, that I end my phone conversations, that I chat them up.  I don't know if that is true or not.  I personally think they are just always nice, but my husband says not all patients are easy and that they probably really do mean it, that it is a joy to take care of the nice ones.  So if you find yourself in an extended hospital situation keep that in mind.  It is easy to be nice and the pay off is so worth it!

Premature Birth Plan - Day 1

How much TV is it possible for one person to watch?  Dr. J brought me some books but I've had the TV going a lot more then I'd prefer to admit.  It keeps my mind off things, and the truth is things are something I just don't want to think about.  I had to sign papers this morning to give them permission to give me an emergency c-section.  The baby has turned breach and while it managed to turn last night they said that with so little fluid they just don't know how many more times it can do that.  All I can say is pray!  It can feel overwhelming sometimes.  I went from no risk pregnancy to super high risk.  I went from natural birth plan to a high risk of emergency c-section.  Won't know until we get there, and the decision is entirely up to the anesthesiology.  I saw the a slew of doctors today and got a second ultrasound.  Baby is still doing good.  They estimate baby weight at 2lbs 10 ounces.  Strong heart, strong kidneys, the liver looks good.  Our goal, 34 weeks, Thanksgiving weekend.  Dr. J talked with his department chair today.  Here are our choices.  Someone takes care of our children and Dr. J continues on, Dr. J takes his yearly time off and then switches to an elective rotation, Dr. J takes off a month or two for family leave.  It is unpaid and he'd have to make it up at the end of his residency.  Big decisions to make.  We are waiting until his mother gets here and we know how long she can stay before we make up our minds.  The nurses at the hospital are so nice and I think because they feel bad for me they spend an extra amount of time in my room chatting me up.  I talked about Buffy and Angel with my resident at four in the morning.  My night nurse kept me laughing with conversations about Sister Wives.  My day nurse has a dance studio and takes birth/baby photos as a side job.  Turns out she's bought a birthing manual my friend and neighbor wrote and stalks her pictures...so do I!  My neonatal doctor chatted me up about my husband's residency.  My high risk pregnancy doctor kept me laughing with stories about choir, his parents who were horrible cooks, his children, and his southern wife.  I've talked with friends from church and mops.  So many people are offering and giving help.  I feel so lucky to have so many great friends.  Once I get the kid situation figured out I can fully submit myself to chore of just waiting.  I'm grateful to have the laptop.  I think I'll ask Dr. J to bring my guitar so that maybe I can actually start learning to play the thing.  I've contemplate learning to knit.  It would keep my hands busy.  Maybe baby hats.  Tomorrow I'll be able to move to postnatal recovery side.  Better rooms I hear, music therapy, possibly message.  I miss my children so much and I feel helpless not to be taking care of them.  I think there is a lesson for me to learn.  I wish I could just figure it out and move on with my life.  Maybe that is the lesson, patience.  I've never been good with patience or apparently productivity :)