Dr. J had a day off yesterday and because we just happen to be awesome parents we decided to take the kids to the museum.
Here they are racing to get in. They were moving so fast I had serious concerns about the ankles of the people in front of us.
And then what was otherwise a good trip went downhill fast. Peach got hungry and started crying. We decided it was time to leave and get some lunch. And then Captain E broke down. I mean tears, screaming, crying. "You never let me do anything fun. You lie to me all the time. I don't want to leave. You are so mean." It was ridiculous and Dr. J and I didn't deal with it well. What he needed was food. But instead he got grouchy parents acting grouchy back at him. It was not our best parenting moment. Later Dr. J said, "We should have said, I can see you are really upset. Tell me about it." Instead we were like, "Please stop. Say nothing more. Captain E, not another word!" It was a nightmare. Finally we got them to a restaurant and fed. Hallelujah! All the screaming and crying ended. Then doctor J dropped me off at the hospital.
Then mama started crying. Later I said to Dr. J. "It has been a month, when am I going to stop crying about this? When am I going to get over it? When will I run out of tears?" The whole time I was at the museum I kept thinking, I wish the family was together. I need the family to be together. It physically hurts my heart to not be together. I can look at my children. I can see they are happy. I can play with them, but in the back of my mind I have this nagging discomfort, my chest is tight. I recognize that my life is not complete. I understand that my daughter is tiny, that she needs special care. I know that there are things that a nurse can do for her that I can't. That being said there are things that a mama can do for her baby that a nurse can't or won't. Because of Brady's and her premature nature they won't let her nurse, but I can tell you that's exactly what my daughter wants to do. Half an hour before she's suppose to be fed she goes nuts, she tries to suckle on me, bobbing her head everywhere, rooting around like a mad woman. When I rinse her dried little lips she goes crazy trying suck on the cloth. She has a cry like a little kitten, a meow really that often the nurses don't even hear, and then when they do hear it, they just tighten her up and put her pacifier back in. Meanwhile when mama hears her cry she picks her up (granted she has to move around tons of wires), but she still picks her up. She puts her to her chest and next thing you know baby girl has settled down nice and tight. She feeds her daughter when she is hungry rather then sticking to the ridiculous schedule set up that is easiest for the nurses. She might spend time chatting with her friend in a circle but she holds her baby while she does it rather then leaving her to her own devices. I miss my baby. If we are really lucky, like miracle lucky she comes home in four weeks. If we are average she comes home in eight. If there are problems she takes longer. Pray for me because I don't know how I'm going to make it.