Sunday Confessional - I've Spent Two Birthday's In the Hospital

When Gigi was just 10 months old my appendix burst and I spent my 27 birthday in the hospital.  Four years later I'm there again.  It started out such a perfect weekend.  Sure my hubby had to work but Saturday after he came home we went to a Intern party.  There was delicious Indian food, our kids were awesome, there was adult conversation, and we finally announced our pregnancy.  We then went to the store where the kids had a blast picking out a birthday present and flowers for me.  When we got home they ecstatically wrapped presents, set up flowers, and made me birthday cards.  We didn't get the riled up little givers in bed until eleven.  This morning I took it easy.  I let them sleep until they woke up, got them dressed for church, let them eat, and then we headed out to church.  Sure we were a  half hour late but there was no yelling, no crying, no resentment.  We were good.  Church was awesome.  I got to go to my first young woman's lesson in year.  Captain E did great in the primary program practice.  We were happy.  We came home and the three of them helped me make cupcakes for my birthday party.  They were so cute taking turns adding ingredients and mixing.  It was a happy day as a mom.  Then I went upstairs to take a little nap.  Imagine my surprise when at three thirty I woke up coughing and peed my pants.  At least that is what I thought initially but it felt wrong and as I sat on the toilet the thought hit me....this is my water.  And then it started gushing.  Panic hit.  I called Dr. J with a 911 text.  I called my friend Andrea and asked if I could bring my kids over.  I frantically started looking for my midwives office number so I could call them and ask them what to do.  I came down the stairs, water streaming down my legs, in a Sunday dress and flip flops.  I had pearl earrings and a necklace on, but had given up on underwear.  As I gathered the kids to the van, Gigi asked me why I was peeing my pants.  "I'm not sweetie, that's just something that happens before you have a baby."  Captain E pipes up, "Our baby isn't suppose to come until Christmas."  "I know sweetie, but please get in the car."  I was on the verge of a break down.  As I drove down the street I saw Dr. J in my rear view mirror.  Turns out he was almost home when I called but when he tried to call me back he got sent to voice mail.  We dropped the kids off and he speed through the neighborhood.  "When was the last time you felt the baby move?"  he asked me.  When in deed.  I couldn't remember.  Certainly not in the last hour.  Did I feel it this morning.  I started to panic.  "What if the baby is dead?" started running though my mind.  Pure terror.  I started to shake.  The nurse from the hospital called me back.  "So you think your water is leaking?" she says in sort of smug tone.  "No," I correct her, "my water is gushing."  "When was the last time you felt the baby move?"  She asked.  "When I say I don't know she ask how soon until I'm at the hospital."  We went in through the ER.  I'm sitting on a towel, drenched in amniotic fluid.  They bring me up to the labor floor while Dr. J parks the car.  First line of business...ID and insurance card.  Typical.  I find it exceptionally frustrating that the clinic and the hospital joined to the clinic don't share records.  They have all this info...seriously I don't want to give it to you again right now.  I want to hear my baby's heart beat.  I want to see it's face.  They ask me to stand up and put on a gown.  Water gushes out all over the floor.  A cleaner in the hallway says, "Congrats honey, your water just broke."  I wanted to yell out, "I'm only 28 weeks!" but instead I nod and turn to the bathroom.  I put on the gown, water dripping everywhere.  They take me to a bed and finally I get to hear the babies heart beat.  They check my water, "yup you are ruptured."  They check my cervix, "Closed and still very far back."  Yes I knew that when I felt you going for my esophagus through my vagina!  They do an ultrasound.  Baby is head down.  Baby has a great heart beat.  Baby still has a little fluid left in there.  They tell me I'm not going home.  Ideal situation, I stay here six weeks and baby is born at 34 weeks.  The stats are not with me though.  The doctor tells me there is an 80% this baby will come in the next 7-14 days.  The good news, we have time for steroids to develop the lungs.  Baby is head down so a vaginal birth is still a possibility.  My hospital has a great NICU and we are right next to a great children's hospital.  I have an appointment with the NICU team.  The bad news.  Baby will most likely not be coming home with me when baby makes it's appearance.  I'm stuck in this bed.  I have an IV something I had adamantly hoped to avoid.  I will not being having my baby with my midwife.  I will not be able to have the hypnowater birth I've been planning for. I will most likely be having this baby at 30 or less weeks.  It is hard to have your carefully laid plans fall apart in front of your eyes.  I know God is looking out for me.  I see his hand.  Back in the beginning of this I wanted to do a home birth with a midwife.  Turns out we would have been out that money and would have ended up paying up to our deductible.  I picked a hospital downtown because it had nurse midwives and while it isn't as convenient to my house, and while I'll no longer be able to see said midwives I'm lucky to be at a much better NICU.  Our puppy is gone.  How would I have dealt with that extra stress and this.  I'm so thankful to a husband who kept his cool.  I'm so thankful for great kids who came to my hospital room tonight to sing to me and feed me cupcakes.  I'm so thankful for friends and neighbors who have pitched in above and beyond.  I'm so grateful for extended family who instantly started asking what they could do to help.  I'm so grateful that my mother-in-law will be here tomorrow to take care of our children so my husband can go back to work.  Crazy I know right...welcome to medicine!  I am still scared but I feel peace that while none of this is working out the way I wanted with God's help it can still work out.  I guess my Christmas baby just would rather be a Halloween baby....oh children, you never know which way they are going to go!