Preemie Life - Day 2

 So it turns out there are some perks to a c-section...like for one the fact that I'm almost done with bleeding...hello it is day two!  Also some drugs are pretty darn nice.  I promise I'm not going to go all druggie here and that's all I'm going to say on the matter!  This morning my nurse got me up to help me to the bathroom so I could wash my face and brush my teeth.  She asked me from the room where she was making my bed, "are you feeling dizzy," and at that very moment I did.  So much so that I had to sit down and lean my head against the counter. Power of suggestion?  Who knows.  They helped me back to bed and changed my pad and I couldn't help but think of my own baby daughter having a similar thing done in the NICU.  Oh childbirth :)  Baby girl Slade is doing great.  She moved from being intubated, to CPAP, to just having a little oxygen through a tube that just goes in her nostrils.  I've been down to see her twice today.  This afternoon they let me touch my daughter for the first time.  After washing my hands and then using alcohol hand sanitizer they opened up one of the portholes and let me reach in.  Oh to feel baby skin.  I touched her little feet.  She hated it.  I touched her little arms and she didn't seem to like that either.  I put my finger by her hand and she wrapped her whole hand around it and her fingers didn't even touch her palm.  She held my finger for a couple minutes before she moved.  It is all very emotional for me.  I walk in there and I start to cry.  I wonder how often the NICU nurses see that.  I'm sure I can't be the only one.  They are so positive though, they take all my crying in strides.  And yet I still tear up.  I look at my daughter and I want to pick her up.  I want to hold her, to sooth her, to wrap her in my arms, to put her to my breast and comfort her with my milk, my smell, my warmth.  People come in and congratulate me on her birth and I know this will sound totally unreasonable but it actually hurts.  I'm thankful for her life, I'm grateful for how well she is doing, I'm overwhelmed at how lucky we are to live in a time when a little baby like mine is surrounded by the medical technology that allows her to live, and yet there is a part of me that feels the loss of normal so desperately that it almost takes my breath away to not be able to pick my own child up, to bring her home with me, to show her love in the same way I showed her siblings.  It is an instinctual drive, from thousand and thousand of years of human evolution, and the inability to fill that need puts a little cloud over my happiness.  Bless their hearts, I talked with three other mom's of preemies today.  Two were my favorite nurses, Kim and Lisa, the third was a girl from my ward, Ann, who also happens to be married to a doctor.  All three have had multiple preemies who were all smaller then my little one, born earlier, and spent a lot of time in the NICU who have grown up to be awesome kids.  Lisa's has two teenagers, Kim has a preteen daughter and ten year old twins, and Ann has triplets who are eight and a little boy Gigi's age, and all these kids came through with flying colors.  But as I talked to them about my experience and they told me about theirs, ones that all have happy endings, we all ended up crying together.  I laughingly teased Ann we couldn't talk to each other anymore if she was just going to make me cry.  There is a piece of this experience that is so raw, it apparently stays with you for years, even far after your children are fine, after they come home, after they grow and move out of the baby stage.  I know Dr. J is feeling it as well.  He left it up to me to call family yesterday.  I asked him if he wanted to do it, I told him it was expected and he said, "I just can't do it right now.  I just can't face all the questions everyone has.  I want to be happy but it is so hard."  And I knew exactly what he was talking about.  Sometimes I'm grateful to be a girl.  I can cry my eyes out in front of strangers and friends and while maybe it is awkward or uncomfortable at least it is social acceptable.  I hope I can come to grips with it, but I can't promise I won't mention it again.  And while I'm totally embarrassed I cried in front of so many people today, it was nice to have people to share my burden with.  I only hope I didn't add to theirs.  On a more positive note here is Baby Girl Slade....this child really needs a name.  Feel free to make some suggestions as long as you aren't offend if we do pick it or don't :)

Little Miss is a feisty little thing.  She knows what she likes and what she doesn't and when she is upset  she throws all her limbs around.  I had a suspicion that's what she was doing in the womb.  Now I have the living proof.

A little bit of peace.

Some anger.  This is when I really just ache to hold her, but right now it is just not an option.  

We never did binkies with any of the other kids, but Little Miss is definitely going to keep it.  Mainly because it is a great way to build up those suck muscles so that hopefully she will be able to nurse when she gets bigger.  But also because this little lady is all by herself for so long, if she can have some comfort who am I to deny her that.  This binkie shot cracks me up.  These binkies are apparently special made for NICU, the smallest size they make and yet they are huge.  When she sucks on this it takes up almost her whole face. 

Oh sweet baby, how I long to give you a kiss.

The nurse asked me today if I wanted hand and foot prints.  She was so not happy about this little adventure that mom said, "One hand print is enough, you don't have to get both."  Even with all the crying and fussing though, I will cherish these little prints forever.  I wish I could scan them in to really capture how small they were.

Can you get an idea by looking at my thumb in comparison?

The kids had their first opportunity today to see their sister.  Dr. J took each one in, one at a time to look at her.  I asked them what they though and they all said, "She has the smallest hands and feet we've ever seen!"  I'm with them!  This is going to be my first newborn that actually fits in newborn shoes!  Gigi also asked to see my incision.  Grandma had told her she had to watch out for my belly because I had an ouchie and she said she wanted to see it.  When I showed it to her she threw both her hands on her checks and said, "Oh, oh, oh, oh, ouch!"  It was so funny.