Sister Wife

Yesterday I was making dinner with my mother-in-law.  At one point I started mashing the potatoes and my mother-in-law came in behind me and started finishing the gravy I had started.  While we worked together she said, "Well maybe having a sister wife wouldn't be so bad," and we both started to laugh.  We are both Mormon, members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints, born and raised.  I wouldn't say we are typical members.  She mainly just goes to relief society and while I am 100% active, I have a scientist brain, I mainly vote democrat, I listen to a lot of NPR, and to be honest there are a lot of things about my church I'm not 100% comfortable with.  Polygamy has always been one of them.  When I was a kid, maybe 13 or 14 I remember getting into an argument with one of Sunday school teachers.  I'm pretty sure it was about polygamy and he called me an apostate.  Twenty years later I can tell you my opinions have not changed.

About six years ago I read the book, Rough Stone Rolling at my in-laws house.  It was a little earth shattering for me, but it confirmed that I have no good feelings about polygamy.  So when my church released a couple essays on plural marriage this last year, one specifically talking about Joseph Smith's plural marriages I was not surprised, but I guess I was a little shocked by some of my friends who posted response to it on facebook, things like, "Well this isn't as shocking as people think it is."  This was in response to the information that Joseph Smith had probably plural married at least one, possibly two 14 year old girls and that he had also plural married other men's wives.  I'm going to just throw this out there, the fact that this didn't bother other people kind of sort of bothered me.

I'm not the only one. Here in Utah in the Tribune last week there was an opinion piece written by a local Psychologist who has taken a lot of heat for saying that she thought these practices were wrong and pointing out the fact that even at the time of Joseph Smith only something like 1% of girls were marrying at 14.  2-3% at 15-17, the majority waiting until after age 18 to get married.  For stating her opinion she was taking a lot of flack, people were telling her she lacked faith and that she should leave our church.  I wonder if people feel the same about me and I know that's why for the most part I keep my opinions to myself. 

I realize this might make me exceptionally unpopular but I just want to say I don't like polygamy.  I find the practice and that part of my church's history extremely distateful.  I realize there are probably some people who can live it and have it work and be happy but I think those people are a rarity.  Support of this can be found even with our early prophets.  It is pretty well documented that Emma felt a lot of pain over polygamy and I find it hard to believe that would not have grown stronger had Joseph Smith lived longer.  Brigham Young married 55 woman in his life.  I think something like nine of those marriages ended in divorce.  Joseph F. Smith's first wife originally gave him permission to marry a second wife after Brigham Young gave him the command to do so but quickly became disenchanted with the whole thing and they divorced.  Can anyone blame her?  I certainly don't.  I try to imagine what it would be like if my husband married my best friend.  I know myself pretty well.  It is hard to believe I wouldn't have ended up hating both of them.  There is also some talk that Wilford Woodruff had two wives leave after just weeks and was divorced from at least one other wife.  These are prophets of the church and their wives and they just don't seem to be that happy to me.  Does that mean I lack faith, maybe.  Does that mean I don't belong at church, I hope not.  I do know though that I will never be a fan of polygamy, I don't think any essays are ever going to change that and you are never going to hear me say, "well this isn't that shocking."   

Five Tips for Fostering Independence in Our Children

Captain E (10) running an errand by himself at Old Navy.
I waited in the car.

When my children were first learning to talk the word "mom" brought such love and joy into my heart...ten years and four kids later I'm not going to lie, sometimes the word "mom" fills me with feelings of dread.  Let's look at a typical day.  I realize after several hours of homeschool and laundry that I have neglected to use the restroom since I woke up.  I get in there and it occurs to me that maybe now is the time to take care of the serious bathroom business and then the "Mom's" start up.  "Mom, Captain E did this."  "Mom, Cheetah is stuck in the dishwasher."  "Mom, there is water going everywhere."  You get the idea right.  It is pure pandomanium and all I really want to do is go to the bathroom and have five minutes of silence...is that too much to ask?  Aparently so, but that doesn't mean that I can't do something to help encourage independence in my children...

1) Don't hover.  I mean seriously just don't.  We went on a hike with the kids this summer on the rim of a valcano.  I seriously wanted to scream about every thirty seconds for my kids to "Be Careful."  I'm a hover mom.  I know this, but if you are a hovering mom, take a chill pill.  I mean really.  Doing too much for our kids, giving them too much direction, it is stifling.  Even if you have to chant "relax" twenty-five times a minute to keep yourself calm, take a step back and see how they will solve problems.

2) Allow children to make choices.  Children need to be allowed to make choices.  That doesn't mean that they get to decide every facet of their lives but the more choices we can give them the better they will feel and the more prepared they will be when they get to start running their own lives.  Things like what they are going to wear or how much of something on their plate they are going to eat should be turned over to them immediately.  As a parent you have control over what you are going to make for meals or what clothes you buy your children.   Let go of some control and have them make as many little and daily choices as they can.

3) Give your child chores. In our house we actually pay our children to do housework.  We went back and forth on this for quite a bit but in the end a chore chart connected to an allowance worked best for us.  We wanted our children to have the opportunity to have an allowance so that they could make decisions about spending money and learn about savings, tithe, the consequences of not paying attention to a budget when it was still small change.  We also wanted them to help around the house without complaint.  So now they can earn money for chores...not making their beds and picking up their rooms because that is stuff that they own but things like making dinner, weeding in the lawn, washing clothes, cleaning bathrooms, washing dishes, dusting, mopping floors.  It's nice because they are learing valuable life skills and are being helpful. 

4) Encourage children to learn to take care of their own needs.  Things kids need to know how to do, put on their own shoes (by kindergarden they should probably know how to tie them), get dressed, button their own pants, zip their own coats, open their own fruit snacks or ziplock baggies, put the straw into their own milk.  Sure these skills come at different ages but if you don't encourage them to try and show them how to do things they are going to be that kid at school who is constantly asking the teacher for help or that kid at home constantly asking you for help.  While we are on this topic can we talk about bum wiping, sure for a few years this is going to be primarily on you, but the sooner you can get them taking care of it the better.  Nothing like being at a friends house and hearing their seven year old yell out from the bathroom, "Someone come and wipe my bum." or having the kid asking their teacher to help them with that.  Give the kid some dignity and teach them to do it early.  Helpful hint, flushable wet wipes are super helpful when kids are first learning.

 I found this great little guide on what life skills kids should be doing at different ages here on the site family education.  I'm going to do a little compelation below just because I hate sites that make you use slide shows to get all the info.

Age by Age guide to Life Skills By Lindsey Hutton

Age 2-3

• help put own toys away
• dress (with some help)
• put own dirty clothes in hamper
• clear plate after meals
• assist setting the table
• brush teeth and wash face with assistance

Age 4-5

• know full name, address, and phone number
• know how to make emergency call
• perform simple cleaning chores
• feed pets
• understand money
• help with basic laundry chores
• choose own clothes
• tie shoes, here is a little video that makes it easy

Age 6-7

• help with cooking meals
• mix, stir, and cut with dull knife
• make basic meals like sandwich
• help put groceries away
• wash dishes
• use basic household cleaners safely
• straighten up bathroom after using
• make bed without assistance
• bathe unsupervised (that being said I still go in and was Gigi's hair.  Even with the cut she still has so much of it, it is difficult to get all the soap out)

Age 8-9

• fold own clothes
• learn simple sewing
• care for outdoor toys
• take care of personal hygiene without being told
• use a broom and dustpan properly
• read a recipe and prepare a simple meal
• help create a grocery list
• count and make change
• take written phone messages (my kids like to read me my text)
• help with simple lawn duties such as watering and weeding (obviously this is just suggestions...we actually start weeding duty long before this although be warned in a garden sometimes it is tough for kids to tell the difference between weed and say something you want like baby carrots)
• take out trash

Age 10-13

• Stay home alone
• make purchases at store by self
• change own bed sheets (E could do this at seven)
• use washing machine and dyer (I start teaching this at seven)
• plan and prepare meals
• use the oven to broil or bake food
• read labels
• iron clothes
• use basic hand tools
• mow the lawn
• look after younger siblings and neighbors (I'm thinking closer to 13 than 10 on this one)

Age 14-18

• mastery of all above skills
• perform sophistciated cleaning and maitenance chores such as changing the vacuum cleaner bag, cleaning the stove, unclogging drains
• fill the car with gas, add air to and change a tire
• read and understand medicine labels and dosages
• interview for and get a job
• prepare cooked meals.

Young Adults - Prepare to live on own

• Know how to support themselves while away at college.
• make regular doctors and dentist appointments
• understand finances, manage bank account, balance a checkbook, pay bills, understand credit cards
• basic contracts like apartment or car lease
• schedule car maintenance

5) Let your child feel the natural consequences of their actions.  Life is all about learning. When you are young the consequences of your behavior are often small but as you get older it seems like consequences grow exponentially with your height.  Too often parents try to shield their children from negative consequences.  Sure there are going to be times when maybe a consequence is completely out of line but really think about it hard before you step in.  Nothing like having to front your kids rent money for the rest of their lives because they never learned what it meant to have to do without when they were young.

So easy to say no...the kid version.

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about how easy it is to say no and how hard it is to say yes as a parent.  The thing is my kids have the exact same default.  Saturday we are sitting around the house and Grandma mentions this discovery park.  "Do you want to go?". " no, absolutely not!". Thus begins a twenty minute battle to wrangle resistant kids into the car.  They grumbled the entire way there.  Then they got out of the car and we lost them for two hours.  They were running all over the place having a blast!  In the end we had to bribe them with ice cream cones to get them to leave.  Maybe negative response are just genetic!

Thank You Veterans

It's Veterans Day again. Seems like at one time every man was a veteran. All three of my grandma's husbands were, J's grandpa, my father, pretty much every man you knew older than a certain age. Now it is fewer people who go in the military. It is a blessing we don't need as many but I think it is aways important to recognize those who have done it or are willing to put their lives on the line in order to protect what we hold near and dear. I'd just like to put a shout of thanks out to My Father, thanks for your years of service, for teaching me love and respect for this country even if the people in it didn't always respect or love you in the way they should. Thank you Grandpa Tolman, Grandpa Slade, Grandpa Burr, Grandpa Chatam. I realize that most of you didn't have any choice in the matter but I've never heard you complain. I know some of you were forever changed by your duty. I wonder what your lives would have been like in a different time and place. I know it wasn't easy but I thank you. Thank you Aunt Cynthia and Uncle Jim, watching Marine life through you guys made me know it was never the life for me but I grew and understood just how strong a person you have to be to make that type of sacrifice. Thanks cousin Brooke and her husband Corey. I realize that you two made the ultimate sacrifice and there are really no words I can say to make that okay but I love you both and hope my life can show the respect and honor I have toward  

I Don't Own My Children's Bodies - A haircut battle and a relfection on my ear piercing policy.

Yesterday I took my children to get their hair cut, all four, and yes we could have a post completly dedicated to the fact that this act alone probably proves I'm crazy, but that is not what this post is about.  The cathalyst to this event was three fold.  First Captain E was starting to look pretty scruffy.  Secondly Cheetah's hair was so crazy.  She's never had a hair cut and the last year or so it has needed a trim but I've avoided cutting it because it is a little curly and I knew the second we cut it the curl would be completely gone.  Third, Peach was asking me to get her hair cut again.  So yesterday I agreed to take them all.  We went to Great Clips...I figured when you are going to have four kids hair cut, having lots of stylist available is the way to go.  Before we left though I said to Gigi, "Do you want to get a trim?"  And she responded, "I want to cut all my hair off."  Now this started a huge fight in our house.  Not with me, me I tried to bite back what I wanted to say, but Captain E freaked out!  I mean he just went nuts.  It is important to note that Captain E is super resistant to change.  He hates it so much and pretty much his entire life Gigi has been a girl of long hair.  At birth she had four inches of hair sticking straight up in the air.  By two months she had great pig tails.  By nine months we gave her her first hair cut.  By two years the girl had waist length hair.  That's how it has been most of her life since then.  We get it trimmed occasionally so that it will look nice but for almost her whole life she's been a long haired girl.  Originally she said she wanted a bob like Peach so this was a huge change she was asking for. 

If I'm honest I was freaking out internally a little myself.  We keep Peach's hair in a cute little bob and I don't mind short hair but I'm just so used to G being my long haired girl that it was a little heart breaking to think those long blonde locs were about to be gone.  I had this thought though while this whole thing was going on..."My children's bodies belong to them, they don't belong to me."  Maybe the rest of the world doesn't have problems with this, but for me it is often difficult to seperated myself from my children, to come to grips with the fact that they aren't still part of me.  When we were newly married we lived in a ward where there was a family with teenage sons.  I remember sometime during the one son's senior year he grew his hair out super long.  He had really curly hair so it became a huge fro.  Then when it reached just epic proportions he bleached his normally dark brown hair blonde.  It was horrible, this sort of yellow sort of orange color, huge frizzy, just gross.  I remember some people in the ward talking to his mom about it.  I think someone in the ward was a little uncomfortable with him passing sacrament.  I remember his mom responding to their questions of why didn't she make him change it with "You know, it is his hair."  That really struck me.  Since that time I've watched other parents.  We are not always so easy going when it comes to our children.  We often stiffle their creativity and sometimes we make decisions or comments about their bodies that are not ours to make.  A personal pet peeve of mine is the father that guilts his daughters into keeping their hair long because that is what he finds attractive...look I'm not saying you are some kind of weird perve, but I think we shoud support our children's right to experiment and encourage them to realize that their value and beauty isn't tied to our or societies preferences. 

I tried to explain that to my freaking out son.  I sat him down and kindly said, "Look I know you are struggling because you don't like change.  I understand that, I can sympathize with it.  That being said, you don't have the right to make choices about anyone elses body but your own.  Your sisters get to choose how they want their own hair, just like you get to choose how you want your own."   Guys this statement came back to bite me exactly 30 minutes later.  I was at the Great Clips asking E how much of his hair he wanted cut off and he said he just wanted a trim, no buzzers, just a 1/2 inch off, and he wanted to leave his side burns alone."  And the thing is at that moment I had to respect that.  Just like my daughters he has the right to choose his own hair style and to have me respect that decision. 

The irony of this whole realization is that I realized my husband understood this long before I did.  When our daughters were born Dr. J and I were in direct conflict over if we should pierce their ears or not.  I wanted to pretty much do it at birth.  Dr. J wanted to have them wait until they were twelve so that it would be their own decision.  We eventually negotiated down to the age of 8.  Gigi will be eight in a month.  She has zero interest in getting them pierced...I mean does not want it one little bit.  Dr. J was right not to let me pierce them.  How do you like those apples J, how do you like them!

Captain E's before and after.  Sure he didn't cut much but hopefully he internalized that he has the rights to his own body just like everyone else has the rights to their own.

G's before and after.  She didn't end of going as short as she orginally planned.  The girl at the store was anxious about chopping it all off so cut it to this length and asked G what she thought.  G loved it.  I was sad to see that long hair go...I love braiding it, but I was happy she was excited with her cut.  I love that she can see her own beauty regardless of hair style.

Peach's before and after.  Rocking the bob.  This girl is just adorable any way but I love her hair in a bob.  FYI she wasn't sad about the hair cut she was sad she was the last on the list to get the cut.

Cheetah's before and after...okay I'm not going to lie, this one broke my heart a little, as in mommy teared up while they were cutting.  She was super good for her cut and the girl saved me a few pieces of the curl but I was right, the curl is forever gone :(  It does look a lot less crazy now though and magically now appears a tad thicker.  Welcome to little girlhood my dear.

White Chocolate Popcorn...ie Popcorn Crack

My mother-in-law is a collector of delicious recipes.  If she goes to a work party, church party, friend group and eats something delicious she always asks to get the recipe.  Her new thing is white chocolate popcorn.  It is so yummy.  You will eat all of it.  Well if you are like me, you will.  It is so easy to make. 

1) Pop some popcorn.  Linda popped hers on the stove with coconut oil.  I would have used my air popper if I were at home.  You can also pop popcorn in a brown paper bag in the microwave, just fold the top over or use plain microwave popcorn.

2)  Put the popcorn on a couple of cookie sheets.

3) Melt white chocolate chips in the microwave.  Use a low setting, stop it every fifteen to thirty seconds or so to stir.  You don't want to burn the chocolate.

4) When your chocolate is melted drizzle it over your popcorn.  Throw the whole thing in a big bowel and start stiring. You can eat it hot or after it cools on the counter.  I love both!

I guess you can do variations on this, drizzle dark chocolate to make it pretty or sprinkle it with sprinkles.  It would make a great cheap neighbor gift.  Anyway enjoy!

Day Light Savings

Can we please just talk about Day Light Savings for a moment.  Yesterday I mentioned how education may or may not be falling apart in the great state of Utah.  No one in the state government really wants to talk about that, but what they do want to talk about Day Light Savings.  While I maybe think the prorities are a little screwed up, I can definitely agree that Day Light Savings Stinks!  I grew up in Arizona.  We don't do daylight savings...my entire life was fine, no problems.  I came to Utah and then I had to deal with Day Light Savings.  I move to Illinois more Day Light Savings.  I move to Indiana and there is more.  Look I'm not saying this is the issue of the century but is it really necessary.  It's inconvienent and it messes with my kids sleep schedule.  That is the main issue.  I'm a mom of four kids...things that mess with kids sleep schedule are bad, bad things!  I saw this trailer and I just had to laugh...woh hasn't been there :)