Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Preemie Life - Day 46 A Better Night

Last night was definitely a better night.  Not only did I wake up on time, I woke up early.  The morning nurse had told the evening nurse about me being upset the night before and so the night nurse came in every three hours to see how I was doing.  Every time she opened the door my little darling was nursing away or sleeping blissfully full in her mama's arms.  It was a much better night!  This is going to seem totally irrationally but you really do just have this fear that they will take things away from you.  You are the parent but the parent of a preemie has almost no say.  Everyday people in a gaggle of white coats and blue scrubs make decisions on how to proceed with my child and every day they dictate to me what is and is not allowed with her.  The nurses are then in place to make sure that things go according to plan.  It can be quite frustrating.  I'm thankful for the nurses.  They are kind and funny, they take their jobs seriously, and they are loving toward my child but I often find myself angry or resentful toward them.  It's not rational and I try to keep it under wraps but when you want to be with your child and you can't be you can feel resentful toward the person who is.  I also feel angry about the lack of choices I have.  The inability to decide what is best for my own child and family.  I think a lot of it just has to do with feeling out of control, a feeling of helplessness.  It makes me feel more sympathetic toward my toddler.  I also have feelings of fear.  Fear that they will decide that I'm not worthy of being her mother and will take things away from me.  Keep me from holding her, restrict my ability to feed her, keep me from taking her home.  Fear is a feeling that I really hate to have.  It is another feeling that sometimes changes to anger.  The internal conflict can be overwhelming and I apologize to anyone who has been on the receiving end of my mess.  I'm sorry.  I have to take comfort in her continued health, in the real help that the medical staff are, in the fact that this will end and I will hopefully be a stronger person on the other end.  Hope, I'm grateful for it.

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