Yesterday night I went out with my girlfriends. It doesn't happen all that often but when it does it is magic! We went to a seafood restaurant and I ate pad Thai. It seems weird. I mean first off who eats seafood in a landlocked state? Plus who eats pad Thai in a non Thai restaurant. You know what though, it just wasn't about the food. It was seriously so nice to be with my ladies. I needed some adult conversation. I've been trapped in this house for months. We are homeschooling. I can say those things in lowercase letters but I want to scream them in all caps...ALL CAPS!
Here is the thing though in order for this to be possible someone had to watch the kid. Someone had to take over when they walked in after work. They had to get dinner on the table, kids feed, teeth brushed, jammies on, stories read and kids into bed. When I got home that someone said to me, "I don't think I should be allowed to stay home alone with the kids. I yelled at all of them."
I laughed and laughed at that all day. Maybe I should never be allowed to be home alone with my children. I get grouchy and frustrated and my son says my tone is mean. In fact there isn't a day that goes by that my ten year old doesn't tell me I'm mean and probably every other day he tells me he hates me. I wish it wasn't this way but I have a kid who gets set off by everything and everything could just be the consequences of his own behavior or maybe even just the fact that I rearranged the pantry. True story, he freaked on me for doing that. I have an eight year old who is sweet and kind and then stubborn like a mule. Oh and by the way she hates church. I mean just hates it. Two weeks ago the secretary was trying to bring her out of class and she was literally fighting her in the hall. My husband had to be called. When he got her Gigi was a right state. I saw the secretary later. She told me, "It's as if she doesn't want to be here." News flash, she doesn't. And that's the thing about G, things she loves she is just divine, but if she is frustrated by something or thinks something is dumb, well then you can expect fireworks. I have a five year old who is deliciously adorable but when she gets tired she is a beast and she also has a tendency to rile up her siblings. Then she cries. She cries a lot. She is very sensitive and the two older kids are besties and the truth is they just don't always want to be around her. And then she cries. Then they are yelling and she is crying and I'm a mess. I have a three year old who we appropriate nicknamed after a wild animal. Sometimes she actually attacks. She growls, and pounces and bites you. She thinks she is a Cheetah. These children are messy and crazy and exhausting. Some moments are heavenly but some moments take me to the very edge of reason, the very edge.
My husband has a hard job. He spends a lot of time away from the family. He is on his feet a lot. He is often sleep deprived, hungry and cold. There is a lot of stress and a lot of pressure. He literally deals with people who are crazy, people who are at their worst, people who on the brink. One night at home with the kids broke his spirit. Who are these little people we created? Who are they? My blog is my journal and I want it to be a true reflection of my life. Children I love you, I don't know if I can ever fully explain to you how much. I have given up a lot for you and I will continue to give up a lot for you. You are my heart. I want you to be happy but gosh darn it sometimes being your parent is difficult. You are not always easy. You do not comply to my will readily. You are not perfect beings and I'm sure this isn't a news flash to you, I'm not perfect either...even if I try and live in the delusion that I am. I will always love you but I think this is important to remember.
Someday you will have children of your own. They will start out adorable, the best smelling, softest little mass of deliciousness. You will bring them home and think I will never be mad at you, you will always be perfect. I will be the perfect parent to you. I will do this so much better than my parents did. Then they won't sleep. You will be exhausted. You will have to step away from the crib sometimes and just let them cry because you're worried about you'll do if you have to pick them up. They'll keep growing. They will be covered in chub and will smile big smiles. They will steal your breath away with their beauty but then they will start to cry and scream at you when they don't get what they want. They will throw things, bite you, pull your hair. Someday when they are potty training they will pee on the floor right in front of the toilet after refusing for the last twenty five minutes to get on. They will hit you. They will lie to you. They will yell at you. They might refuse to go to church. They may embarrass you in a store or in front of your friends. Someday they may tell you they don't love you. It isn't true. They do but trying to become yourself to separate from your parents when they have so much control over you, well it is trying for them. Sometimes you'll keep your cool, sometimes you will have a "tone". Sometimes you'll be proud of how you handled it and sometimes you'll be ashamed. I just want you to know in those moments that I'm with you. I love you. We went through this together and we both survived. You are beautiful and lovely and you are my heart but gosh darn it when you were a kid sometimes you were just a pill. It is ok to feel that way. Parenthood is not easy. Childhood is not easy. I understand. Send them to Queenie's house. I will take care of them for the afternoon. After all I love them because they are a part of you. Plus it has been a long while since someone's peed on my floor.